Looking back but the future beckons

I decided to take up a suggestion from a business professional in the publishing industry and focus today on reflecting on the past. I too believe that it is important to complete that in order to move on the future. My faith implores me to do that on a daily basis, otherwise how do we know what are the lessons learnt and asking God to show how we can improve in our relationships with others, how do we lead by example at work and in life makes it a practising faith.

These are very good questions which I feel everyone should reflect on. Once this is done, say it is done then move on to a new chapter.

1. If the last year were a movie of your life, what would be the genre be? Drama, romance, adventure, comedy, tragedy, a combination.
I wish I could say it was all an adventure but it was more like an emotional discovery - A discovery and acceptance of my own infertility, finding myself and learning how we dealt with these difficulties. At the height of the drama moments, my marriage and self-worth were greatly challenged but triumped in the end just like any good old ending.

2. What were the two or three major themes that kept recurring? These can be single words or phrases.
They were for me:
- Learning to let go of control
- Getting along with less but enjoying it more.
- Less is more

3. What did you accomplish this past year that you are the most proud of? These can be in any area of your life - spiritual, relational, vocational, physical.
- My work in campaigns - learning to lead without authority but influencing with creative ideas.
- Developing a new passion in sewing and gaining patience.
- Learning to trust that He is in control and rediscovering this truth in my life.
- Cultivating my marriage life with a good home environment.

4. What do you feel you should have acknowledged for but weren't?
- Sticking to the IVF process and believing in the process even after several setbacks.
Probably that's the only thing as I succumb to my mind pretty easily, shame on me.

5. What disappointments or regrets did you experience this past year?
- Not focusing on Jesus or doing enough to continue to seek Him
- Not exercising enough and not exercising my dog enough.

6. What was missing from last year as you look back? Look at each major area of your life. Don't focus now on having to do anything about it.
- I feel time is running out with my parents. I still feel I have much to catch up with them. To saviour and honour them.
- My deep connection with the Lord - that deep underlying knowing that He is watching over me and I will be good.

7. What were the major life lessons  you learned this past year? Boil this down to a few, short pithy statements.
- Never to stray away from God. To find ways to connect with Him through music, spiritual talks or books or people is the best medicine for the soul.
- Persevere, press on and just trusting even though it may not make sense.
- Being present with the people I love is the most important gift I can give them.

Now that this is completed, this year is over. I declare it complete!

Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands.
Coz I can't do this on my own.
I'm letting go.

Your Grace is all I need.

God's response to Job

A shot of dawn taken in Yellowstone Park, the world oldest park.

Life is full of trials and tribulations - I had some this year and probably still experiencing them. On my fifth IVF cycle, I had a positive result but the HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) hormone is low. HCG is supposed to rise during the first tri-semester to encourage the other two pregnancy hormone progestrone and estrogen to be secreted. My HCG reading on 21st December was 53mIU/ml and today it is 87mIU/ml. Normal levels should be at least 600-7000.

I cant help but think this is again a lost cause, my mind is full of questions again, shrouded in grief and anger. And I was reminded by the story of Job.

The typical world's view of theology is that God rewards the good and punishes evil. There seemed to be no room before in my mind that only God has the ultimate and divine discretion and mystery in allowing suffering for purposes other than retribution.

Job was a pious man, he was righteous yet he was robbed of everything - children, riches and even his own health. His friends consoled him and asked him to confess his sins even he has sinned none. His wife asked him to curse God and he maintained God is sovereign. His suffering continued and deepened when he was inflicted with boils. Then was when he challenged God and cursed the day he was born.

God responded to Job if Job had the experience of a Creator of the world. He is the King of the world and certainly not subjected to questions by His creations, including men. Job lacked the knowledge or the ability to fully understand why God would allow Job's suffering. In the end, Job's health and prosperity was restored in many folds and he lived to ripe old age.

I dont necessarily understand God's reasons for what I am going through and I may never will. But I do remember His promise "For I know the plans for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11

A Christmas to remember

I love garden bench chairs - wooden ones or iron-wrought benches. The older they are, the more charming they are. They look inviting to anyone to sit down for a quiet respite or to have a intimate conversation either with someone you know or even a stranger.

This christmas is extra special, it reminded me the type of conversation I havent been having with God. Christmas since I converted to Catholism holds a special meaning. It signifies the birth of the king of all kings, the priest of all priests and most of all, a God that has been there and will be there all the time (Immanuel). His birth in a barn with animals and in a manger made out of wood just like this old bench up on Mount Macedon is the real meaning why we celebrate christmas.

We spent a lot of time this holiday listening to praise music and I restored my faith & confidence.

This one is my favourite by Michael Card with scriptures from Galatian 3 & Roman 3:22

When the universe fell from His fingertips
He decided He wanted some fellowship
But the man and woman would not submit
So He made a better way
When the moment was right, He sent His own Son
And He opened the way so that everyone
Could have hope and believe that when time was done
He'd be able to make us one.

To hear with my heart
To see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in the way I cannot see
That's what faith must be.

I'm grateful for everything - the good and even more the not-so-good.

Wearing your heart on your sleeve...blog

Since last year, I've become an avid reader of blogs. Generally I follow blogs on fashion and interior design, occasionally a few on spiritual aspects. The bloggers community is a tight knit network and they tend to refer to each other. That's how I came to know Daul Kim also known as Daul Monster.

At the same time, the worldwide news on Yahoo7 reported the death of Daul Kim, supermodel found hanged in an apartment in Paris. I started reading her blog titled "I like to fork myself".

Often you hear about the loneliness of being a model and some of them turning to drugs or perhaps chain smokers. Daul leads her life as a supermodel, she was 15 when she left school and was home schooled. She had no friends and left her family to travel & model at the age of 17. And she had her creative outlets - she paints and films. Her work slightly on the dark side but nevertheless has a drawing quality. But still it hasnt taken the loneliness, despair, depression away....it was all too clear in her blog entries right from the very start.

Could she have been saved? All of us have struggles in life just like Daul's I realise but how does some of us make one choice over the other - to change or to give up life. Was there a tipping point? Does having faith means anything at that point? One thing I never could understand is when people says this "The great ones are always taken early". What does it mean by the way? Inadvertently it means these great people are smarter than to stick around earth and live through the average mortality? It's ludicrous.

Recently Uncle Miranda passed on too. He is my late fiance father. In a way I was ok that I didnt get to see him on his death bed. That way my memories of him will always remain about the times we spent together - the emotional moments consoling each other, the advice he gave me about how much my father was hurting watching me hurt so badly mourning, all the jokes he used to come up with and the humility that comes when he is talking about God. I will look for his letters and treasure them forever...

This is my prayer for Uncle Emmanuel Miranda:

Hold this thought close to your heart,
I am still with you, I do not sleep
I am the light breeze that touches your face in the morning's hush
I am the first burst of sunshine which peaks at sunrise
When you return home, I am the peaceful silence that calms the night
I am the tiny stars that glitters in the black velvet sky
I am the soft wispy ocean that rushes to your toes at the shore
I am the news of a new baby's arrival that makes your heart leaps
I am the grey rain that falls lightly on your skin on a Saturday afternoon
Do not think of me as gone
I am with you still, as each day dawns.

It is the same prayer I wrote in loving memory of Ferdi 10 years ago.

In loving memory of Uncle Emmanuel Miranda (Emmanuel which means God is with us)

Koru - an image of an unfurling fern frond which symbolises new beginning, new life and also the return to the point of origin. The circular shape symbolises there is only perpetual movement, no ending.

Things that intrigue me

There are a lot of things in life that intrigue my curiosity. That's why life is always so colourful. But it is in the things of old that deserves a rightful place in the memory.

I came across by accident this documentary called Around the world in 80 gardens on ABC channel. It's probably a series and I was watching only one of them but it had nuggets of gold in the episode. The stories (all of them true) are about extraordinary people. They have my utmost admiration.

The first story is about a British aristocrat named Sir Edward James. A poet and a passionate supporter of surrealism, his legacy is Las Pazos, a garden that he created in the heart of the tropical jungle of Mexico. Here he commissioned more than 150 men to build the surreal sculptures he had in this mind. Most of them majestic, most of them have no apparent function or normal artistic proportion but they are beautiful, in an ugly sort of way. With the moss covering the sculptures, the rain that falls so frequently and the beautiful waterfall, it really looks like a magical garden covering 80 acres. Not surprising, he is a firm supporter of Dali, one of my favourite artists!

Watch this Utube video and look out for the stairs that goes up to the sky but leads to nowhere. Sculptures of serpents, giant flowers, perfume bottles, archs interlocking - completely mind boggling but yet, after seeing them wont leave my mind alone. I wish I could one day see it for myself, be there to experience the magic. The magic that he felt when he decided to build his dream garden, after swimming naked in the pool of the waterfall, he lied down next to the stream to rest and a bunch of blue butterflies came and rested on him. Enchanting!

Something is cooking

It's been a while since my last post. I have retreated to my own whilst busy with some more fertility stuff. Meanwhile at work, a contractor was hired to take over our marketing campaign work so we were left to our own devices. I did not mind that a bit as I have my own things going on.

Well the tide has changed, both the CEO and the contractor have been driven out of the company so we are back in favour. I feel refreshed and reenergised, ready to take on the work challenge to fix what was not working in the current campaign. That's what I can do now that my last fertility treatment did not really work.

Here are the two new TV Commercials that my Bank launched this month:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUGMq6X50RY


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl74kLS3O9c

Frosty night as Melbourne suburbs drop below zero

Sherrill Nixon
July 8, 2009 - 7:52AM
Melburnians awoke to ice on their car windscreens and across their lawns after a night of below-freezing temperatures in many suburbs.

Gloves, scarves and winter coats were de rigeur at train stations and tram stops after one of the coldest nights in years across parts of the metropolitan area.

Laverton, in the city's west, recorded its lowest minimum in 12 years when the temperature dropped to minus 2.1 degrees at 4.37am.

The overnight low also dropped below zero at Moorabbin (minus 0.8 degrees)[we live nearby Moorabin], Scoresby (minus 0.6 degrees at 5.03am), Viewbank (minus 0.5 degrees at 6.30am) and Essendon (minus 0.2 degrees).

God, it was so cold this morning and there was a layer of ice on our car windscreens. On days like this, I really want a winter coat that is thick and long way down to my ankles. Like those trench coats that every New Yorker would wear!

Third time lucky

Embarking into my 3rd IVF cycle. Dr Lynn B. had placed me on a different protocol, increased my FSH injection by 50%. That resulted in a more successful scan. The sonographer saw 11 follicles on my right ovary and 8 on the left side. But the egg pick up yesterday revealed 9 follicles. That's ok because I learnt my lesson.

It is not about how many eggs or how many ended up fertilised, or how many survived and grew up to day 5 blastocyst. It is how many managed to survived all those stages and manage to stay implanted in my uterus and growing.

So hopefully I am 3rd time lucky.

Salvador Dali - man of science

Last week I was fortunate to explore the artistic side of Melbourne. Every winter, the National Gallery of Victoria (NGV) would bring in a spectacular exhibition of world renowned artists called the Melbourne Winter Masterpieces. The Winter Masterpieces must have been really successful as NGV has been able to attract art fanatics and art enthusiasts to the count of 1 million visitors each time. This year featuring NGV's sixth exhibition is 200 works of Salvador Dali called Salvador Dali: Liquid Desire.

I am not an art fanatic, but I find myself interested in famous people's biographies, what drives them to create such creative work in any kind of field. Dali is a surrealist which doesnt mean anything to me before I came across Dali's work. Even after marveling at Dali's work at the NGV, I still find it hard to define surrealism. Perhaps I can only say surrealism is about surprising and shocking the people that view their work. Probably the art is a manifestation of the artist's thoughts and dreams. I know how weird my dreams can be.

I admire Dali because he was a man of many talents, he understands how to work his popularity. His art spans across many mediums - on canvas, photography, sculptures, mechanics, tv, jewellery. As he lived into his old age and being a voracious reader, he was on the forefront of new thinking and new sciences. He used what he reads in his work so his work shows influence from Freud's theories, genetics, history, geometry, mathematics, nuclear-physics, optical science and later in life, religion - boy, you will see this guy's thinking was so warped to produce such work, perhaps that's why he is such a genius. He is a marketing genius too, a master of self-promotion, way before Andy Warhol. His work became commercial when he started producing work like Air India's ashtray (elephant, swan, emerald snake ashtray), stage set for ballets, Destino with Disney Productions and appeared in Times Magazine.

Here I have attached one of his finest work in jewellery, the Royal Heart which was sculptured using gold, diamonds and rubies, believed to be inspired by Queen Elizabeth II's coronation. He placed a mechanical device to make the heart beat. Unfortunately they didnt bring in the real thing at the exhibition, I managed to view the video but his other jewellery pieces were exquisite, all encased in a red velvet room in NGV. If you look closely at the video, the rubies seemed to take a life of its own.



There were many pieces of his work that captured me but here are a few of them that I really like.

Another piece of Dali's jewellery - The Eye & time.


He was fascinated with ants, the women's had ants running on her forehead. The first sculpture had a real fresh baguette but the dog snatched it immediately so they had to replace with a fake one.


This era was when he was interested in physics and how things are made of molecules.


His photographs were most interesting from my perspective. In this photo, he really got his assistants to throw the cats, water while he jumped up in the air. He had to take about 70 takes to get this right. Before the time of CG!!


One of his more famous work - The Persistence Memory. He was crazy about melting watches or time.


This was one of his last masterpieces, when he was into religion. The Pope had called for a ecumenical council.

MJ tried to explain

But people wont listen. During the 60 minutes interview that took place right after the child molestation allegation, he claimed he wrote the song "Childhood" about himself.




Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...
People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood...

Free from the shackles of Neverland but returning to the real Never Never Land

Life is full of paradoxes. It was only in my last post that I was hoping to live in a different world, one that looks more within rather than what's outside.

Michael Jackson, the King of Pop - the only artist other than the group Duran Duran that I really admire and grew up with passed away at 2.26pm Thursday 25 June (it was 7am when we found out in Australia). He was 50 years old. For most 50 year olds, they would be thinking about pre-retirement. But MJ did not even grow up. He was naive in his thinking and that's exactly how he wanted to live his life including how he treated others, by being childlike, just as he claimed Jesus wants us all to be. He wasnt conforming to the rest of the society in every way - in music, his dance moves, his fashion, the way he treated children, the way he lived, the choices he made with his appearance. He was loved for his music but he was shunned for everything else. With the resources he acquired through his music, he created Neverland, funded selected children's education, well-being, entertainment and lived in a bubble of his own values. As time passes on, he becomes more and more detached from the rest of the world we live in. Most people today would debate that Neverland, MJ's Disneyland and zoo was more of a prison than a refuge.

He remains one of the greatest musical legend, if not the greatest of our lifetime. Ask anyone which of his songs is their no.1 favourite, it would be a difficult task.
I cant really decide between You Are Not Alone, The Girl Is Mine, Black or White, Man In The Mirror, Human Nature and The Way You Make Me Feel. Learning the dance moves along with my sisters from his music videos filled a lot of our afternoons after school with pure amusement. I would cut my pants just above my ankles on purpose just so I can show more of my socks. I would have worn one glove if we had winter in KL.

Well, MJ, you are a legend and tonight you return to Never Never Land where you always belong.

WENDY: Peter where do you live?

PETER PAN: It's a secret place.

WENDY: Please, tell me!

PETER PAN: Would you believe me if I told you?

WENDY: I promise.

PETER PAN: For sure.

WENDY: For sure!

PETER PAN: I have a place where dreams are born,
And time is never planned.
It's not on any chart,
You must find it with your heart.
Never Never Land.

It might be miles beyond the moon,
Or right there where you stand.
Just keep an open mind,
And then suddenly you'll find
Never Never Land.

You'll have a treasure if you stay there,
More precious far than gold.
For once you have found your way there,
You can never, never grow old.

And that's my home where dreams are born,
And time is never planned.
Just think of lovely things.
And your heart will fly on wings,
Forever in Never Never Land.

Absorbed and live in another world

I have read and attended enough workshops that tells me our belief systems are what shapes our thoughts and ultimately destiny. The mere fact that I believe that life has its ups and downs is already acknowledging and expecting the downs.

What if I believe that the downs are just opportunities to go even higher? Wouldnt it be then life is full of ups and uppers? Self talk is so powerful, many a times it had willed me down to the gutters. Like right now, especially when I am not feeling well, I tend to think offside. When I come out from an argument, I lost hope in the future I had been planning for. The tendency is to look for another future but I am only distracting myself so I dont face up to the problems at hand. Who says marriage isnt easy? That's what people say. But what if? marriage is supposed to be easy. It's just how I think about marriage which makes it hard.

Losing hope is so dangerous, it robs everything. The motivation to do just the most normal thing in daily life. The past few days, I just mopped around. I took leave to lick my wounds. Unfortunately the timing is bad. I have been called for an interview on Thursday with a major bank. It's where I want to be ultimately. So I have to be prepared, but I feel I am about to climb Mount Everest, swim the Atlantic Ocean and live in the Amazons. I hate the place I put myself in now.

I know how it works - self talk. But why is it not working? I am looking at the other side of the fence and witnessing the greens, the beauty of the world. I could see the enormous energy in me enough to take on super strength tasks and challenges. Life looks so sweet. But I am stucked on the other side, what's stopping me to move over? Do I think one person in my life can fulfil my life? That must be the most foolish limiting belief that anyone can have. Then how do I get absorbed and live in another world that will always empower me? The one world anything that life throws at me, it just passes right through me as if I am only thin air.

Quirky Brunswick

It was the long weekend of Queen's Birthday on 8 June, we took another day off so we could have a super long weekend to do what we love most. Today we wandered into Brunswick, one of the many varied suburbs near Melbourne. The main road is Sydney Road which stretches for miles.

So we took a slow stroll in this beautiful Melbourne weather - wet, cold, windy, freezing, occasionally the sun comes up to say a shy hi and goes back into hiding really quite quickly. The temperature gauge in our car showed 9C but when it is windy, the windchill makes it feel like 2C less.

Sydney Road is full of surprises, the world cultures seemed all lined up in one street. Greek bakeries, Italian restaurants & supermarkets, Turkish homewares, lebanese cafes & clothing stores, Vietnamese/South East Asian restaurants, Vietnamese fabric stores, Japanese restaurants are home on this street. In between, there are a couple of bars with live music, the Brunswick Music Festival is held every March. This is a good place for unusual fashion stores unlike your typical Bridge Road or Chapel Street.

Love the clothes in Friends of Couture (www.friendsofcouture.com.au), the brand carries clothes that has an alternative style but wearable and reasonably priced. Across the road, probably by the same owner, is Episode which sells second hand clothing, mainly vintage. I found some milk maid type of clothes, really odd. But what's interesting is the clothes from Friends of Couture were also found here at discount prices because they are either losing a button or running thread that makes the value goes down by half.

There is one other store which I aspire to buy all my clothes from is Digging for Apples (www.diggingforapples.com) up the road towards Moreland precinct. High fashion with an edge, the buyer of this store has done all the selections for me (ahem!). Designer pieces from Nudie Jeans, Sass & Bide, Romance was Born, Claude Maus, Zambesi and Karen Walker were on for 20-40%. But the tags were between $230 - $1080. All I could do is take their card and walked out. Maybe one day I will save enough.

Food was great at Kaleidoscope where we had lunch, their influence was Mediterranean, I had lentil soup and Alex had risotto. We had to go to Choukette, a french pattiserie because that's how I discovered Brunswick. But the cakes were dissapointing, not as tasty as I thought it would be. We rested our tired feet at Bar Etiquette - weird bar with just 4 customers including us the whole time we were there. So we had a nice chat with Mike, the bartender and gather some advice on where to have our dinner. The bar was set in a two storey house, the rooms upstairs all had a different theme but all dark and filled with lounge chairs. Music was good but the art on the wall by Leigh Watson is better.

Heaven knows

I took a month of hiatus from blogging. As mentioned in my last post, I was seeking for clarity. Little did I know, I was only at the beginning of what is to come.

It is difficult for me to describe what I was going through. I was one of those who showed up at work everyday, put on a brave face and stuck to it but inside of me, I was shaking, crumbling and shattering into tiny bits in no hope of coming back together ever again. I was in despair and full of sadness, I had led myself to believe that I had come to an end of time when I could become a mother. It was made worse when I could not voice out what I was going through with my husband. Subsequently driving me to want to throw in the towel and just give up. Nightmares were common and I could not sleep well. I was in total chaos.

I can only talk about it now because I am finally picking myself up and seeing the light of day. Lethargy of the body is the start of the mind's downfall. Little things began to irritate and there is no energy left to be creative and deal with life ups and downs.

Slowly my energy returned and so is my interest in everything else. Rest, healthy food and supplements and exercise helped. Talking about it helped. Reading helped. I believe the universe conspired to help me get back up. I am reminded of hanging on in the harshest environment whenever I see my capsicums growing through 50C summer day during the Black Saturday fire and now winter cold. Now I believe we are all equipped to face and walk through any tragedies by believing that everything that God does, He do for you. Digging in the past or poking at the future and not resting in this moment is a problem. God is presence because He is here, right now. The resting place of the mind is the heart. The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. And God is within.

Surprisingly the wisdom came from a book that my sister gave me in January when I was home. I did not read the book until last month just in the nick of time to bring me back on track. Perhaps if I had read the book earlier, I would not have to go through what I had. Who knows?

Malaysia Here in my home

A good friend of mine keeps me informed regularly on the Malaysian Politics. In recent years, the political unity in this country has come underfire. Many factions within the ruling party broke apart and formed their own opposition parties. The culmination of this had brought about surprising results in last year's General Election. The ruling party is losing the support of the people. Its support is further tainted by racial unrest, unexplained unresolved corruption even crimes stories involving political figures. All of these probably costs Malaysia a great deal and had brought the state to where it is today.

I get amazed each time with a new story about outrageous things that the Malaysian politicians do or get involved in. The recent incident at the Perak State Assembly shocked me quite a bit. There was a total chaos in the assembly and when the speaker tried to call for order, he was sidelined and forced out by a handful of politicians. These politicians proceeded to elect their own Speaker whilst the former Speaker was still present in his seat. There were much scuffling and the Speaker was in a tug of war - the Opposition party wanted him to stay but the Ruling Party was pulling him to leave. Now it seemed the Perak State of Assembly is dissolved and they are deciding what is next. The Youtube video on this subject would give a gist of this fiasco. A write-up in the news provided some clues http://malaysia.news.yahoo.com/bnm/20090507/tts-perak-tarnished-roundup-bm-993ba14.html

It is sad for me to watch this and the democratic process is not even honoured by the people whose been elected to uphold the very same thing. Had it always happen in the past and only now I am aware of it? Probably not. Otherwise how could the country come to this sort of state is it now? Disunity - that is the word for it.

Not all hope is lost I pray. After watching what the common Malaysians are trying to do, there is another movement calling for unity. I only hope this movement will give others hope just like it did for me. I sincerely wish the good defeats the evil in this situation. I am doing my bit to spread the word.

Watch this YouTube video of a song named "Here in my home" calling out for unity amongst all races to live together. It claims the road is long, we are on stony ground. But if we have one love undivided - the love of Malaysia as our home, that's what it is really all about.

Watch out for the rappers, special!!

Grant me a moment of clarity

I have been obsessive with the fertility business since I started my IVF treatment in February. When the first cycle failed, I was determined to do whatever I can to increase the chances of the second cycle. When Dr Lynn said acupuncture helps, I went full on when I was back home in Malaysia. I visited a TCM doctor for acupuncture, cupping and massage on a daily basis. I spoke with everyone what I was going through and out of good intentions, everyone had their opinions on what, how, why, which, when. My head was full of ideas or were they really distractions??
When I came back, Melbourne weather experienced a cold snap. On last Wednesday, the morning temperature fell to a low 3 degrees Celsius in autumn, the Bureau of Meterology claimed it was the coolest April morning in 56 years. My body did not take it well. I wasnt exactly sick but it wasnt right. I wanted to change my diet, I wanted to find a reliable TCM doctor and at the same time, I was on my second IVF cycle of injections. My actions, to say the least, were frantic and I found myself going in circles. My other half was so concerned that he wanted me to stop the injections. I almost went out of mind. Whether what was to happen next is my own doing or some other cause, my body did not respond to the injections.

Last Friday on the fourth day of my FSH (Gonal brand) injections, my ultrasound showed I had only one big follicle and my doctor told me I had to abandon the cycle as more follicles/ eggs are expected to continue with the treatment. No egg collection, no embryo, no transfer, no pregnancy, no child. I wasnt dissapointed, I was very tired. Tired of what I made my body to do. Vigorous trials of this and that to make me fertile or pregnant. Eager turned obsessive cant be good. It's time to return to basics. Return to clarity. Tonight this is my prayer:

My inner light guides me through the pathway of my life,
Whole and at one;
I raise my eyes to see all and understand,
Where and how;
To place each foot forward.

A prayer that a naturopath student taught at the Australian College of Natural Medicine.
Photo taken from the Cream Trip on the Bay of Islands, NZ.

Family - my favourite people

I am missing home so terribly. The minute I kissed my parents and siblings good-bye, a little piece of me goes missing. A void that I find it hard to replace. None of my usual favourite things - magazines, shoes, books, even my husband or Koe (my dog) can help me. I can only reassure myself that I will get over it after a while, when I start to get back into the groove of my Melbourne life. And yet, I dont really want it to go away.

Mama, papa, Wai Yee, Baby Jayden, Teoh, Su Fen, Meng kit, Emily & Lai Heang - I miss all of you so bad. I love you and am thinking of you.

My life is always with you xxxooo

My roots in Singapore

Made a detour from my home trip and came down to Singapore for 2 days. Nothing much has changed since I left 2 years ago which is the way I like it. Everything runs smoothly - public transportation, services, etc.

Yesterday I had a pampering day with my good friend. We started with lunch at Raffles City Shopping Centre (so much to choose from). There I witness something that is so inherent of Singapore life - queuing up for freebies, even though Spore life is living life on a fast pace lane, the locals still find time to queue for a good whole hour to get a freebie like a cone of Ben & Jerry ice-cream. Thankfully the profile of freebie hungry people are mainly teenagers or senior citizens.

After a sumptuous lunch of roast duck & chinese soup, Amy brought me for a haircut at Bugis. Haircuts here or in Malaysia are so cheap and they are so good churning out hairstyles that takes years away from you. Now I look like one of the Hong Kong girls, a trendsetter, hopefully my clothes isn't going to give me away, they aren't really trendy, just functional!!

Then if that's not enough pampering, we went for a full body massage at the Traditional Massage at the Javanese Hut on River Valley Road. In between all these places, we zipped in and out of public transportation of train and taxi smoothly without any glitches which is really what I love about Singapore.

I am so glad to catch up with Amy, we are both at similar stage of our lives. It helps to know I am not alone and my smart friend never takes any problems in life lying down. She is a fighter and witty. So I was absorbing all the knowledge and learnings she was willing to impart. Hopefully both of us will be on our on way to victory!!

A world of difference - Malaysia Truly Asia

I have been back in KL for 3 days and really noticing the differences between Melbourne and my hometown. Been away for so long I had almost forgot how it was like at home.

It is so so so humid now, if I can bathe every couple of hours I would. After a clean fresh shower, within hours, my skin feels sticky and my face feels oily. It's pretty much the same thing in the evenings. No wonder air conditioners are indispensable machines. Cant live without them like in Melbourne.

There is so many people around everywhere and people responsible for every kind of job, however menial - at the airport, there was one person to pull out the bags & luggages coming onto the conveyor belt then there was another person dressed in purple uniform with VIP embroidered on his uniform helping a perfectly capable young woman to wait for her luggage so he could pick it, place it on a trolley (which is free of charge compared to Melbourne) and wheel it to the taxi stand.

This is the land of flaunters - I didnt thinking for once a man wearing white leather shoes had any sense of style, this man with his other half were probably half my age had branded leather luggage and were business class passengers. When my best friend took me out for a foot massage over the weekend, I found there were special malls built for high end shopping, cafes in them serves the typical hawker food but is waitered upon, with immaculate decor of chandeliers, chairs & decor coming straight out from designer mags. The retail brands were London, European designer wear. The night markets had cheaper copies of everything - music CDs, movie DVDs, branded Louis Vuitton, Tous, Gucci handbags, shoes, clothing to satisfy anyone who wants an ego boost after wearing branded goods even if they were fake. I wasnt the exception, I had purchased 5 pairs of shoes because they were so cheap, I could wear them several times and threw them away. This isnt a developing world, this is stinking rich country.

And on the other end, I hear stories of petty crimes, international and local companies alike with employees right up to the senior level involved with fraudalent activities siphoning money out for one's own benefit, discrimination against skin colour at work and home estate residents in order to protect their loved ones & property set up voluntary night watch and taking the law into their own hands when a thief is caught in action is beaten to near death & the police walks away for a while whilst that's happening in front of him. My relative's car was parked right in front of my mother's home in a street full of cars, some double parked because of lack of space and yet, some thief is alert enough to see the car is unlocked and steals the coins left in the car and the toll register machine.

I love this country because of my memories in my family, school, work & friends but it needs a lot of help. It needs a restructuring of the appaling quality of education, the congested transport system that never seemed to go away even after efforts like the super/highways. Most of all, it requires a change in thinking that all of us are living in the same home country and unless we treat each other with respect and dignity, and not out to gain an edge over the other - it is not a place to call home.

Swimming with the dolphins

I am here in the Bay of Islands, North Island in New Zealand. We took a full day cruise called The Cream Trip. It's the best trip to get a overall history and taster of the islands here.

Everything here is a feast to the eyes, green lush grass, rolling hills, even the sheep here looks happy. The boat took us from one island to the other, and it is still delivering mail to several of the island over the last century, even with the existence of roads now.

The most amazing thing on the trip is swimming with the dolphins, the water was cold and choppy, it always is with cloudy weather but I cant miss the chance. So I paid $30, and jumped into this big net with fellow dolphin swimmers and the boat went chasing for the dolphins. It was easy to find them, and there were at least 6 of them easy to spot from the boat. When the crew asked us to jump in and shouted "Quick, go after them." It was like a mad rush, the humans keep swimming into each other. Well they were the ones who asked us to look into the water with our snorkels. How are we to spot the dolphins looking down into dark blue sea? And the open ocean and the thought of getting the waves sweeping me away had me hyperventilating. Alas, the dolphins were only metres away but nearly close enough to touch and swim next too. But they were beautiful creatures, greyish black smooth shiny skin and there was a 3 month old baby too. Baby dolphins do not leave their mother until 3 years old coz they are mammals. I will post my photos or video later. Alex got me gasping for breath on the human net as the boat went chasing for the dolphins. Drank lots of sea water but all well worth it.

April's month focus

I have almost the whole month off. Yay!!
Kicking off the celebration month is our trip to North Island, New Zealand. We are approved for our permanent resident visa and leaving to Auckland for the visa evidencing. It's confusing isnt it? Leaving the country to be certified as an Australian Permanent Resident and returning as a legal resident of OZ land. We are thrilled and I feel honoured to introduce New Zealand, my most loved country to my husband.

We should have enough time to explore North Island. Will leave the best part South Island for another trip...

Then I go back to home sweet home to say hello to my new nephew. Soak in mom and dad's pampering, graze all my favourite food and catch with lifelong friends in KL and Singapore.

Here are some photos of my NZ trip during my Contiki tour. Photos which I kept in handy so I can remind myself of the good times I had.

With these photos, are photos of awesome friends I have in my lifetime.

Blessed are those who mourn

- a picture of oak regeneration after a forest burn.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matt 5:3-11

Once again I feel I am asked to be faithful to His Word. When I started contemplating using IVF, I did wonder what it really means to my God. Was I trying to play Him in manipulating in His natural creations? Was I impatient in waiting for His blessing that would come in time in one form or another? In days like these, I could only doubt myself, my faith and my future. 3 days before I am supposed to take my blood test for pregnancy. I found out I am not pregnant by way of menstruation. It's hard and it's truly a stake through the heart. And I mourn and I remember His promise. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Things I go through

Two days before my embie (short for embryo in the IVF world) transfer last Monday, I started on the Crinone gel. It's a tube that releases progestrone hormone slowly into the uterus, so it was a vaginal applicator that IVF women uses an hour before bed. Progestrone helps to prepare the uterus lining for the embie implantation.

The symptoms are the worst of the entire journey. I didnt get any cramping which is the common symptom but I had an array of other types. Hot flushes, feeling hot and cold in a span of minutes, wanting to pee at night, constipation, bloatedness big time - I feel fat and I want to run off the weight but I feel tired all the time. Feeling sleepy at odd times e.g. falling asleep on the train while reading my papers or surfing on my phone, quite embarrasing. Feeling hungry all the time, I had to have rice the other day for breakfast. And my breasts feel like they are going to burst any second, so tenderly painful makes sleeping face down almost impossible.

Another 6 more sleeps before my pregnancy test on Friday. Now everything is in His Almighty Hands. May you receive my night prayers.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:22

Day of embryo transfer I experienced life and death

"You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.


In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?


For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?


Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."

On Death by Kahlil Gibran

Today was my day of embryo transfer. To relate my experience, here is an email that I wrote to share my experience with a fellow IVF journeyer.

Dear Naf

Sorry for the long silence. it's been really hectic for me at work and with the IVF journey.

I guess to cut the long story short, I am now waiting to see my only fertilised embryo transfered today will result into a full pregnancy when my blood test shows next Friday.

To say the least, it had not been an easy journey, just over a week I had experienced ups and downs. With natural pregnancies, most times all that's happening with the ovulation, fertilisation and embryo growth all happens inside our bodies without us knowing but knowing what actually happens to my eggs and the embryo every step of the way is excruciatingly difficult to not feel involved and invested.

I had only 5 eggs collected last Wed - that was a down for me. When I found out that 4 of them got fertilised, I was really estatic the next day. 80% success that must be good. Over the weekend I did everything within my control to prepare myself as a nest - I detox - no meat, no milk and only partake really good fresh quality food and we even went for a massage to relax. This afternoon on the day of transfer I found out I had one early blastocyst, according to the embryologist, the growth rate was normal but the other 3 didnt survive. She was careful to use the words - "unfortunately the other 3 embryos growth rested". You can use any words you want, I felt they died and left me as their mother. Very quickly after I was whisked into the operating theatre room which had a bed that was 3/4 of a normal bed size with 2 handles at the end. The idea is for me to put my feet on each of them so I open wide for the doctor to insert the clamp to open wide for the catheter to go in. The doctor Dr Monroe was the sweetest man I met, he was joking with me and put his palms on my cheeks, I felt like protected like his daughter. The nurse had the ultrasound equipment on me so my husband and I saw the entire thing - the long straw-like catheter that the embryologist used to inject into the uterus and the one small white spot of the blastocyst that showed on the ultrasound screen.

While all of them in the room is talking through the procedure, I was weeping, honestly was it joy watching potentially my first child or was I weeping for the loss of the other 3 embryos who never made it. Once the floodgates opened, I sobbed uncontrollably and I knew I was weeping for the loss. It's crazy handling one success in my womb whilst trying to understand what actually happened to the other 3.

Anyways, it's done now. I am praying hard for this one to grow. I will know next Friday. I really hope you have a successful journey, hopefully your first one is the right one. I found the Monash IVF friends newsletter useful as I read others' experiences to keep things in perspective. Results ranges from first one a success to others who had repeated cycles before a success. That's why I am sharing my journey with you. Hope it was useful.

please take care, write soon,
Jo

Our new Bellagio in Cragieburn

This is how our new home is going to look like - we made some small changes to the standard floor plan of the Bellagio. A girl must have her walk in wardrobe, large enough to display her shoes and frocks. If there is a large walk in wardrobe, we must have a corresponding walk in pantry. After these modifications, Alex wanted something for himself - a bigger garage and a home theater room. I am so excited with the changes in the floor plan.

You gotta love Karl Lagerfeld

One of the longest personality in the fashion industry. He designs for Chanel but is a household name himself. I really started getting interested in Karl when I stumbled upon a book that he co-wrote and it's not even on fashion. Fancy that!

It's The Karl Lagerfeld DIET by Karl and his doctor Jean-Claude Houdret. He was motivated to lose lots of weight so he could wear his favourite clothes. At the end of his diet he lost 42 kilos. Amazing!!!!

I started following parts of his diet of lots of fish, protein shakes and I lost 1 kilo. With so much going on with IVF and work, I have been slacking on following the diet properly. But it's a working diet, it will take lots of discipline cooking for myself and something else for the family but it's well worth it knowing I could look better in clothes and watching my tummy flatening out. Fantastic feeling.

But Karl is a legend and slowly I found him interesting in so many ways. He is super creative, see his latest Chanel Spring 2009 white collection. It is to die for. He has a real interesting way looking at life. Always very witty.

Here is one of his quotes:
"The worst thing is when friends say, 'Remember the good old days?' Forget about the good old days!! That just makes your present secondhand. What is interesting is now. If you think it was better before, then you might as well commit suicide immediately."

Making the present secondhand? Classic!!!

On a side note, it is the Egg Collection day today. I was in at Day Surgery Unit (also known as DOSA at Monash IVF) at 9.30am, waited till about 11.20am and after talking to the patient coordinator, nurse, anathetist, gynaecologist (Dr Melissa Wong) and Embryologist before I was put out for the procedure. I was slightly dissapointed when Dr Wong told me she managed to drain 5 eggs from my ovaries, but I guess if all of them do fertilised I can have 5 children - too many to handle but dont mind entertaining the idea. I do like a noisy big home with teenagers and children of different ages colouring our lives. I am feeling really sore, Dr Wong pierced through the vagina walls to get to the ovaries. Tomorrow is another big day, everyday seemed to be a big day these days. I will know how many eggs got fertilised so I pray that there will be some for the embryo transfer. Also made our decision while I was feeling light headed in recovery mode from the anasthetic to build our new home with Premier Builders Group. Will talk more in future postings.

The greatest risk in life is to risk nothing

Two months ago, I posted my outing experience in Warburton. It's my favourite little town in Victoria and Warburton was also threatened recently by the bushfires. Today I am so pleasantly surprised when I received a newsletter from the Finnish lady who own one of the shops in Warburton, her husband is now the mayor of the town.

In the newsletter she talks about her experience during the bushfires and how nature has helped her to regain hope. That's exactly how I feel whenever I feel beaten by life, it's the nature that refuels and helps me believe again. The same nature that rejuvenates and destroys with the same hand. But there is no other way to embrace life.


“To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk disappointment.
But risks must be taken because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, sees nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
He cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live.”
Author Unknown

Leave it to science ..and shoes (ahem!)

9 March which is Day 9 of my IVF cycle, also known as CD9 as one of fellow journeyer Naf calls it. I met a lady same age, now residing in Chicago trying to have her 2nd child via IVF. She's also with Dr Lynn Burmeister.

Today is a bank holiday but our body functions doesnt stop for holidays and so is the staff at Monash IVF. They are really dedicated professionals working tirelessly to help people like us. We were there at 7.30am for my ultrasound. The sonographer (ultrasound professional) was still sleepy, so was I when I met her at the reception. But she was cheery and was really supportive throughout the experience. I was placed in a dark room with large equipment and a TV screen opposite the bed. She was gentle as she scans my ovaries looking for large follicles signalling ripening eggs. She mentioned the lining looks thick which is good news to prepare for the embryo implantation then she started on my right ovary - we saw 3 large black sacs, and she clicked on the perimeter of the black sac to measure if they were viable. So far so good. There were maybe 3 or 4 with one overlapping the other. She moved on to the left ovary, I felt it was pushing against the wall of some organ but thankfully the black sacs were as clear as day, there were another 3 which she counted. Then it was done.

Next I waited for less than 5 minutes before I went next door with the nurse to get my blood test done. As usual, my tricky veins on my arms presented a problem for the nurse to extract blood from me but slowly she got the amount she wanted and I was allowed to leave.

It must have been the feeling of wanting to be rewarded for the past week's efforts. We wanted to have a good hearty breakfast to mark the occasion but I thought I had "fasted" enough and I could now buy myself a pair of heels. Especially ones inspired by Jane Aldridge, the 17 year old blogger from Dallas, Texas. She is adorned with designer clothing and shoes. When your blog is called Sea of Shoes, what do you expect? I made my decision really quickly when I tried on a 3 inch high platform on a 5 inch heel. I was as tall as Alex when I stood up. It was all black leather and it had a sexy tassles as the T strap of the heel. The shoes were exquisite and they look great in skinny jeans.

A life adventure - Slumdog Millionaire

I feel compelled to share my friend's adventure in India. She's a nurse by profession, German born, we met at a Contiki tour in New Zealand. She and another nurse from Finland were working in Sydney and were in South Island for a visit. We got along really well together and kept in touch after all these years - must be more than 7-8 years.

Her name is Anne Mueller, dark black hair, fair complexion and large frame build, elegant face. She went through some tough times some time ago, I never really found out what really happened but she got better. Recently she decided to leave for India to help out at a local hospital in Chennai. She told me she is going to India for some soul searching. I pray that she will find what she is looking for. She's been sending me updates of her daily life - really amazing stories. She's living her Slumdog Millionaire story. Here it is:

hi everyone
so im in india.after 13 hours of travelling i finally arrived in chennai.a guy named bala from the company im working for met me at the aiport.we get in to his car and the first thing he tells me is not to wear a seatbelt.the traffic was really scary.2 lanes for busses ,trucks,car mopeds ,bicycles,cows and pedestrian.no rules,no trafficlights.just honk and hope for the best.to get your drivers licence in india you have to be able to drive in a straight line for 100 meters.and probably know how to honk.somehow it all works.i stayed at a nice hotel that night.real toilet and shower,just no water to use it.also the hotel was under construction.they dont work here during the day and im kept awake till after midnight by drilling and hammering.the next morning bala picked me up to catch a train to sivakasi.460 km will take about 10 hours.but he told me not to worry cause we be in a sleeper compartment.great,sleeper turns out to be 3 wooden boards all on top of each other.the train has no doors and windows with no glass in it.so really its air con.its packed with indians and they all look at you.the train goes trough chennai.the city is huge and one big rubbish tip.everyone throws any rubbish anywhere they please ,its dirty and hot and smoggy and there is cows and pigs just walking about.bala and i talked for a while and the first question almost everyone asked is how old are you and are you married.they almost start crying when you say no and when they find out how old you are and have no children ,their faces just look so sad and they start to feel really sorry for you.its better to say you are married.it makes them much happier.if you are divorced its even worse.
then it was time to use the toilet on the train.ok one big hole in the bottom of the train.hold on to anything and aim.good luck....
we got to the office in sivakasi in the evening and i got to meet some other volunteers.but they are all going other places.i wake up the next day at 5.30 from the sound of honking and people retching up their morning spit.indian burp ,spit ,fart anywhere they damn well please.
on sunday we ,thats 11 people got in to 1 car to drive 2 hours to a new hospital that was being opened on that day.the drive was fun.we listened to indian music and i actually prayed to survive the ride.but i figured that with 11 people in the car it would be enough of an airbag.at the opening we sit with only men and for the first time they dont stare at us girls but at theo who is from belgium,has red hair,freckles and is very pale and he is gay.so all of the sudden our boops dont seem interesting anymore.the hospital is going to have one doctor and one nurse for 10.000 people.
after lunch we drive to my village.on the way i get to see one of many indian men who just squat on the side of the road,pants down doing their buisness.yes they do shit right smack bang on the road.you walk pass them and nod a friendly hello and get a big smile back.
my village is near a bigger town.its very very poor and dirty.but everyone is really friendly.there is one other volunteer here.karin,she is 37 and from france and she is very nice.she is divorced but she hasnt told anyone......
our room is ok.2 beds and a table,windows with no glass,and a light and a fan and lots of spiders.the matress on the bed is really thin and made of hay.so you might as well sleep on the floor.food is good.curry ,curry and more curry.no bowel disturbance yet.
we have a toilet,but have to get our own toilet paper and it doesnt flush and we have a bucket of water for a shower.its all fun and im really enjoying it.i havent started work yet.its all very slow and nobody really seems to know what to do with us.hardly anyone speaks indian.apart from whats your name,age ,children,marriage.
i brought way to many clothes.we are not allowed to wear our western style clothes,so i had to get some indian clothes.
thanks.
hope you are all good.
love to hear from you
love anne

Earth tremor in Melbourne?

I was lying in bed when I felt the vibration just around my pillow. It felt like one of those old mobile phone on its vibrating mode. I was drowsy from my headache, I didnt pay too much attention. But it got stronger and suddenly, I kid you not, the bed started to move. And we have a King bed with a huge headboard, it still shook. Within seconds I heard the roof tiles above me started shaking - the furniture and the roof seemed to be moving in a separate directions albeit small back and forth movements.

The first thing that came to my mind was earthquake, NO!!! we are not in the seismic zone. Is it a hail storm as it had been raining intermittently for the first time since last year in the past 2 days. I called out to my husband who was watching TV in the living area. He too felt it. But Koe, our miniature schnauzer was comfortably lying on the couch like nothing had happened - typical lazy mutt.

We found out later on the news it was an earth tremor measuring 4.7 on the richter scale. The epicentre was about 90kms away from Melbourne in the south, which is about 60km away from us in the place called Korumburra. After the news report, we look at each other and said "How cool!!" to have felt this experience.

I couldnt help laughing afterwards when I remembered he thought it could be the pressure in the water pipes underneath the house.

A kick in the gut by life

That's how I am feeling at the moment. So tired trying to stay afloat with so many things happening at the same time. It doesnt help when I need to keep reworking the campaign at work. Just need the service providers to do their job properly so we can move on. We need to move on. There is just enough time for one task, one phone call, one meeting, one document and then on to the next thing. I need my life to work like a clockwork because I dont have the time to go back to rectify something broken.

Today I am going backwards launching a static image microsite for a campaign at work. What era are we in? What happens to the basic flash animation? What has gone so wrong that a microsite needs to be reworked 3x and it still isnt right. Have a look and judge for yourself. I have 380 outdoor advertisements around Sydney and Melbourne pointing to this microsite. It's a big kick in my face.

www.membersequitybank.com.au/save

Perhaps it is a lesson of patience, or a lesson of letting go control and accepting the present, dealing with one task at hand one at the time and not thinking ahead 2-3 steps ahead making it so tiring.

Amidst this storm, there is something to be happy about. I have just become an aunt again, my little sister had just given birth to a healthy baby boy named Jayden Teoh. Just reading both parents experiences helps to ease the feeling of hopelessness that I am feeling at the moment.

Have a read..
jaydenthy.blogspot.com/2009/03/fatherhood-pt-2.html