Day of embryo transfer I experienced life and death

"You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.


In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?


For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?


Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."

On Death by Kahlil Gibran

Today was my day of embryo transfer. To relate my experience, here is an email that I wrote to share my experience with a fellow IVF journeyer.

Dear Naf

Sorry for the long silence. it's been really hectic for me at work and with the IVF journey.

I guess to cut the long story short, I am now waiting to see my only fertilised embryo transfered today will result into a full pregnancy when my blood test shows next Friday.

To say the least, it had not been an easy journey, just over a week I had experienced ups and downs. With natural pregnancies, most times all that's happening with the ovulation, fertilisation and embryo growth all happens inside our bodies without us knowing but knowing what actually happens to my eggs and the embryo every step of the way is excruciatingly difficult to not feel involved and invested.

I had only 5 eggs collected last Wed - that was a down for me. When I found out that 4 of them got fertilised, I was really estatic the next day. 80% success that must be good. Over the weekend I did everything within my control to prepare myself as a nest - I detox - no meat, no milk and only partake really good fresh quality food and we even went for a massage to relax. This afternoon on the day of transfer I found out I had one early blastocyst, according to the embryologist, the growth rate was normal but the other 3 didnt survive. She was careful to use the words - "unfortunately the other 3 embryos growth rested". You can use any words you want, I felt they died and left me as their mother. Very quickly after I was whisked into the operating theatre room which had a bed that was 3/4 of a normal bed size with 2 handles at the end. The idea is for me to put my feet on each of them so I open wide for the doctor to insert the clamp to open wide for the catheter to go in. The doctor Dr Monroe was the sweetest man I met, he was joking with me and put his palms on my cheeks, I felt like protected like his daughter. The nurse had the ultrasound equipment on me so my husband and I saw the entire thing - the long straw-like catheter that the embryologist used to inject into the uterus and the one small white spot of the blastocyst that showed on the ultrasound screen.

While all of them in the room is talking through the procedure, I was weeping, honestly was it joy watching potentially my first child or was I weeping for the loss of the other 3 embryos who never made it. Once the floodgates opened, I sobbed uncontrollably and I knew I was weeping for the loss. It's crazy handling one success in my womb whilst trying to understand what actually happened to the other 3.

Anyways, it's done now. I am praying hard for this one to grow. I will know next Friday. I really hope you have a successful journey, hopefully your first one is the right one. I found the Monash IVF friends newsletter useful as I read others' experiences to keep things in perspective. Results ranges from first one a success to others who had repeated cycles before a success. That's why I am sharing my journey with you. Hope it was useful.

please take care, write soon,
Jo