Looking back but the future beckons

I decided to take up a suggestion from a business professional in the publishing industry and focus today on reflecting on the past. I too believe that it is important to complete that in order to move on the future. My faith implores me to do that on a daily basis, otherwise how do we know what are the lessons learnt and asking God to show how we can improve in our relationships with others, how do we lead by example at work and in life makes it a practising faith.

These are very good questions which I feel everyone should reflect on. Once this is done, say it is done then move on to a new chapter.

1. If the last year were a movie of your life, what would be the genre be? Drama, romance, adventure, comedy, tragedy, a combination.
I wish I could say it was all an adventure but it was more like an emotional discovery - A discovery and acceptance of my own infertility, finding myself and learning how we dealt with these difficulties. At the height of the drama moments, my marriage and self-worth were greatly challenged but triumped in the end just like any good old ending.

2. What were the two or three major themes that kept recurring? These can be single words or phrases.
They were for me:
- Learning to let go of control
- Getting along with less but enjoying it more.
- Less is more

3. What did you accomplish this past year that you are the most proud of? These can be in any area of your life - spiritual, relational, vocational, physical.
- My work in campaigns - learning to lead without authority but influencing with creative ideas.
- Developing a new passion in sewing and gaining patience.
- Learning to trust that He is in control and rediscovering this truth in my life.
- Cultivating my marriage life with a good home environment.

4. What do you feel you should have acknowledged for but weren't?
- Sticking to the IVF process and believing in the process even after several setbacks.
Probably that's the only thing as I succumb to my mind pretty easily, shame on me.

5. What disappointments or regrets did you experience this past year?
- Not focusing on Jesus or doing enough to continue to seek Him
- Not exercising enough and not exercising my dog enough.

6. What was missing from last year as you look back? Look at each major area of your life. Don't focus now on having to do anything about it.
- I feel time is running out with my parents. I still feel I have much to catch up with them. To saviour and honour them.
- My deep connection with the Lord - that deep underlying knowing that He is watching over me and I will be good.

7. What were the major life lessons  you learned this past year? Boil this down to a few, short pithy statements.
- Never to stray away from God. To find ways to connect with Him through music, spiritual talks or books or people is the best medicine for the soul.
- Persevere, press on and just trusting even though it may not make sense.
- Being present with the people I love is the most important gift I can give them.

Now that this is completed, this year is over. I declare it complete!

Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands.
Coz I can't do this on my own.
I'm letting go.

Your Grace is all I need.

God's response to Job

A shot of dawn taken in Yellowstone Park, the world oldest park.

Life is full of trials and tribulations - I had some this year and probably still experiencing them. On my fifth IVF cycle, I had a positive result but the HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) hormone is low. HCG is supposed to rise during the first tri-semester to encourage the other two pregnancy hormone progestrone and estrogen to be secreted. My HCG reading on 21st December was 53mIU/ml and today it is 87mIU/ml. Normal levels should be at least 600-7000.

I cant help but think this is again a lost cause, my mind is full of questions again, shrouded in grief and anger. And I was reminded by the story of Job.

The typical world's view of theology is that God rewards the good and punishes evil. There seemed to be no room before in my mind that only God has the ultimate and divine discretion and mystery in allowing suffering for purposes other than retribution.

Job was a pious man, he was righteous yet he was robbed of everything - children, riches and even his own health. His friends consoled him and asked him to confess his sins even he has sinned none. His wife asked him to curse God and he maintained God is sovereign. His suffering continued and deepened when he was inflicted with boils. Then was when he challenged God and cursed the day he was born.

God responded to Job if Job had the experience of a Creator of the world. He is the King of the world and certainly not subjected to questions by His creations, including men. Job lacked the knowledge or the ability to fully understand why God would allow Job's suffering. In the end, Job's health and prosperity was restored in many folds and he lived to ripe old age.

I dont necessarily understand God's reasons for what I am going through and I may never will. But I do remember His promise "For I know the plans for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11

A Christmas to remember

I love garden bench chairs - wooden ones or iron-wrought benches. The older they are, the more charming they are. They look inviting to anyone to sit down for a quiet respite or to have a intimate conversation either with someone you know or even a stranger.

This christmas is extra special, it reminded me the type of conversation I havent been having with God. Christmas since I converted to Catholism holds a special meaning. It signifies the birth of the king of all kings, the priest of all priests and most of all, a God that has been there and will be there all the time (Immanuel). His birth in a barn with animals and in a manger made out of wood just like this old bench up on Mount Macedon is the real meaning why we celebrate christmas.

We spent a lot of time this holiday listening to praise music and I restored my faith & confidence.

This one is my favourite by Michael Card with scriptures from Galatian 3 & Roman 3:22

When the universe fell from His fingertips
He decided He wanted some fellowship
But the man and woman would not submit
So He made a better way
When the moment was right, He sent His own Son
And He opened the way so that everyone
Could have hope and believe that when time was done
He'd be able to make us one.

To hear with my heart
To see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in the way I cannot see
That's what faith must be.

I'm grateful for everything - the good and even more the not-so-good.