Grant me a moment of clarity

I have been obsessive with the fertility business since I started my IVF treatment in February. When the first cycle failed, I was determined to do whatever I can to increase the chances of the second cycle. When Dr Lynn said acupuncture helps, I went full on when I was back home in Malaysia. I visited a TCM doctor for acupuncture, cupping and massage on a daily basis. I spoke with everyone what I was going through and out of good intentions, everyone had their opinions on what, how, why, which, when. My head was full of ideas or were they really distractions??
When I came back, Melbourne weather experienced a cold snap. On last Wednesday, the morning temperature fell to a low 3 degrees Celsius in autumn, the Bureau of Meterology claimed it was the coolest April morning in 56 years. My body did not take it well. I wasnt exactly sick but it wasnt right. I wanted to change my diet, I wanted to find a reliable TCM doctor and at the same time, I was on my second IVF cycle of injections. My actions, to say the least, were frantic and I found myself going in circles. My other half was so concerned that he wanted me to stop the injections. I almost went out of mind. Whether what was to happen next is my own doing or some other cause, my body did not respond to the injections.

Last Friday on the fourth day of my FSH (Gonal brand) injections, my ultrasound showed I had only one big follicle and my doctor told me I had to abandon the cycle as more follicles/ eggs are expected to continue with the treatment. No egg collection, no embryo, no transfer, no pregnancy, no child. I wasnt dissapointed, I was very tired. Tired of what I made my body to do. Vigorous trials of this and that to make me fertile or pregnant. Eager turned obsessive cant be good. It's time to return to basics. Return to clarity. Tonight this is my prayer:

My inner light guides me through the pathway of my life,
Whole and at one;
I raise my eyes to see all and understand,
Where and how;
To place each foot forward.

A prayer that a naturopath student taught at the Australian College of Natural Medicine.
Photo taken from the Cream Trip on the Bay of Islands, NZ.