Heaven knows

I took a month of hiatus from blogging. As mentioned in my last post, I was seeking for clarity. Little did I know, I was only at the beginning of what is to come.

It is difficult for me to describe what I was going through. I was one of those who showed up at work everyday, put on a brave face and stuck to it but inside of me, I was shaking, crumbling and shattering into tiny bits in no hope of coming back together ever again. I was in despair and full of sadness, I had led myself to believe that I had come to an end of time when I could become a mother. It was made worse when I could not voice out what I was going through with my husband. Subsequently driving me to want to throw in the towel and just give up. Nightmares were common and I could not sleep well. I was in total chaos.

I can only talk about it now because I am finally picking myself up and seeing the light of day. Lethargy of the body is the start of the mind's downfall. Little things began to irritate and there is no energy left to be creative and deal with life ups and downs.

Slowly my energy returned and so is my interest in everything else. Rest, healthy food and supplements and exercise helped. Talking about it helped. Reading helped. I believe the universe conspired to help me get back up. I am reminded of hanging on in the harshest environment whenever I see my capsicums growing through 50C summer day during the Black Saturday fire and now winter cold. Now I believe we are all equipped to face and walk through any tragedies by believing that everything that God does, He do for you. Digging in the past or poking at the future and not resting in this moment is a problem. God is presence because He is here, right now. The resting place of the mind is the heart. The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. And God is within.

Surprisingly the wisdom came from a book that my sister gave me in January when I was home. I did not read the book until last month just in the nick of time to bring me back on track. Perhaps if I had read the book earlier, I would not have to go through what I had. Who knows?