Blessed are those who mourn

- a picture of oak regeneration after a forest burn.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matt 5:3-11

Once again I feel I am asked to be faithful to His Word. When I started contemplating using IVF, I did wonder what it really means to my God. Was I trying to play Him in manipulating in His natural creations? Was I impatient in waiting for His blessing that would come in time in one form or another? In days like these, I could only doubt myself, my faith and my future. 3 days before I am supposed to take my blood test for pregnancy. I found out I am not pregnant by way of menstruation. It's hard and it's truly a stake through the heart. And I mourn and I remember His promise. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Things I go through

Two days before my embie (short for embryo in the IVF world) transfer last Monday, I started on the Crinone gel. It's a tube that releases progestrone hormone slowly into the uterus, so it was a vaginal applicator that IVF women uses an hour before bed. Progestrone helps to prepare the uterus lining for the embie implantation.

The symptoms are the worst of the entire journey. I didnt get any cramping which is the common symptom but I had an array of other types. Hot flushes, feeling hot and cold in a span of minutes, wanting to pee at night, constipation, bloatedness big time - I feel fat and I want to run off the weight but I feel tired all the time. Feeling sleepy at odd times e.g. falling asleep on the train while reading my papers or surfing on my phone, quite embarrasing. Feeling hungry all the time, I had to have rice the other day for breakfast. And my breasts feel like they are going to burst any second, so tenderly painful makes sleeping face down almost impossible.

Another 6 more sleeps before my pregnancy test on Friday. Now everything is in His Almighty Hands. May you receive my night prayers.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:22

Day of embryo transfer I experienced life and death

"You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.


In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?


For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?


Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."

On Death by Kahlil Gibran

Today was my day of embryo transfer. To relate my experience, here is an email that I wrote to share my experience with a fellow IVF journeyer.

Dear Naf

Sorry for the long silence. it's been really hectic for me at work and with the IVF journey.

I guess to cut the long story short, I am now waiting to see my only fertilised embryo transfered today will result into a full pregnancy when my blood test shows next Friday.

To say the least, it had not been an easy journey, just over a week I had experienced ups and downs. With natural pregnancies, most times all that's happening with the ovulation, fertilisation and embryo growth all happens inside our bodies without us knowing but knowing what actually happens to my eggs and the embryo every step of the way is excruciatingly difficult to not feel involved and invested.

I had only 5 eggs collected last Wed - that was a down for me. When I found out that 4 of them got fertilised, I was really estatic the next day. 80% success that must be good. Over the weekend I did everything within my control to prepare myself as a nest - I detox - no meat, no milk and only partake really good fresh quality food and we even went for a massage to relax. This afternoon on the day of transfer I found out I had one early blastocyst, according to the embryologist, the growth rate was normal but the other 3 didnt survive. She was careful to use the words - "unfortunately the other 3 embryos growth rested". You can use any words you want, I felt they died and left me as their mother. Very quickly after I was whisked into the operating theatre room which had a bed that was 3/4 of a normal bed size with 2 handles at the end. The idea is for me to put my feet on each of them so I open wide for the doctor to insert the clamp to open wide for the catheter to go in. The doctor Dr Monroe was the sweetest man I met, he was joking with me and put his palms on my cheeks, I felt like protected like his daughter. The nurse had the ultrasound equipment on me so my husband and I saw the entire thing - the long straw-like catheter that the embryologist used to inject into the uterus and the one small white spot of the blastocyst that showed on the ultrasound screen.

While all of them in the room is talking through the procedure, I was weeping, honestly was it joy watching potentially my first child or was I weeping for the loss of the other 3 embryos who never made it. Once the floodgates opened, I sobbed uncontrollably and I knew I was weeping for the loss. It's crazy handling one success in my womb whilst trying to understand what actually happened to the other 3.

Anyways, it's done now. I am praying hard for this one to grow. I will know next Friday. I really hope you have a successful journey, hopefully your first one is the right one. I found the Monash IVF friends newsletter useful as I read others' experiences to keep things in perspective. Results ranges from first one a success to others who had repeated cycles before a success. That's why I am sharing my journey with you. Hope it was useful.

please take care, write soon,
Jo

Our new Bellagio in Cragieburn

This is how our new home is going to look like - we made some small changes to the standard floor plan of the Bellagio. A girl must have her walk in wardrobe, large enough to display her shoes and frocks. If there is a large walk in wardrobe, we must have a corresponding walk in pantry. After these modifications, Alex wanted something for himself - a bigger garage and a home theater room. I am so excited with the changes in the floor plan.

You gotta love Karl Lagerfeld

One of the longest personality in the fashion industry. He designs for Chanel but is a household name himself. I really started getting interested in Karl when I stumbled upon a book that he co-wrote and it's not even on fashion. Fancy that!

It's The Karl Lagerfeld DIET by Karl and his doctor Jean-Claude Houdret. He was motivated to lose lots of weight so he could wear his favourite clothes. At the end of his diet he lost 42 kilos. Amazing!!!!

I started following parts of his diet of lots of fish, protein shakes and I lost 1 kilo. With so much going on with IVF and work, I have been slacking on following the diet properly. But it's a working diet, it will take lots of discipline cooking for myself and something else for the family but it's well worth it knowing I could look better in clothes and watching my tummy flatening out. Fantastic feeling.

But Karl is a legend and slowly I found him interesting in so many ways. He is super creative, see his latest Chanel Spring 2009 white collection. It is to die for. He has a real interesting way looking at life. Always very witty.

Here is one of his quotes:
"The worst thing is when friends say, 'Remember the good old days?' Forget about the good old days!! That just makes your present secondhand. What is interesting is now. If you think it was better before, then you might as well commit suicide immediately."

Making the present secondhand? Classic!!!

On a side note, it is the Egg Collection day today. I was in at Day Surgery Unit (also known as DOSA at Monash IVF) at 9.30am, waited till about 11.20am and after talking to the patient coordinator, nurse, anathetist, gynaecologist (Dr Melissa Wong) and Embryologist before I was put out for the procedure. I was slightly dissapointed when Dr Wong told me she managed to drain 5 eggs from my ovaries, but I guess if all of them do fertilised I can have 5 children - too many to handle but dont mind entertaining the idea. I do like a noisy big home with teenagers and children of different ages colouring our lives. I am feeling really sore, Dr Wong pierced through the vagina walls to get to the ovaries. Tomorrow is another big day, everyday seemed to be a big day these days. I will know how many eggs got fertilised so I pray that there will be some for the embryo transfer. Also made our decision while I was feeling light headed in recovery mode from the anasthetic to build our new home with Premier Builders Group. Will talk more in future postings.

The greatest risk in life is to risk nothing

Two months ago, I posted my outing experience in Warburton. It's my favourite little town in Victoria and Warburton was also threatened recently by the bushfires. Today I am so pleasantly surprised when I received a newsletter from the Finnish lady who own one of the shops in Warburton, her husband is now the mayor of the town.

In the newsletter she talks about her experience during the bushfires and how nature has helped her to regain hope. That's exactly how I feel whenever I feel beaten by life, it's the nature that refuels and helps me believe again. The same nature that rejuvenates and destroys with the same hand. But there is no other way to embrace life.


“To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk disappointment.
But risks must be taken because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, sees nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
He cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live.”
Author Unknown

Leave it to science ..and shoes (ahem!)

9 March which is Day 9 of my IVF cycle, also known as CD9 as one of fellow journeyer Naf calls it. I met a lady same age, now residing in Chicago trying to have her 2nd child via IVF. She's also with Dr Lynn Burmeister.

Today is a bank holiday but our body functions doesnt stop for holidays and so is the staff at Monash IVF. They are really dedicated professionals working tirelessly to help people like us. We were there at 7.30am for my ultrasound. The sonographer (ultrasound professional) was still sleepy, so was I when I met her at the reception. But she was cheery and was really supportive throughout the experience. I was placed in a dark room with large equipment and a TV screen opposite the bed. She was gentle as she scans my ovaries looking for large follicles signalling ripening eggs. She mentioned the lining looks thick which is good news to prepare for the embryo implantation then she started on my right ovary - we saw 3 large black sacs, and she clicked on the perimeter of the black sac to measure if they were viable. So far so good. There were maybe 3 or 4 with one overlapping the other. She moved on to the left ovary, I felt it was pushing against the wall of some organ but thankfully the black sacs were as clear as day, there were another 3 which she counted. Then it was done.

Next I waited for less than 5 minutes before I went next door with the nurse to get my blood test done. As usual, my tricky veins on my arms presented a problem for the nurse to extract blood from me but slowly she got the amount she wanted and I was allowed to leave.

It must have been the feeling of wanting to be rewarded for the past week's efforts. We wanted to have a good hearty breakfast to mark the occasion but I thought I had "fasted" enough and I could now buy myself a pair of heels. Especially ones inspired by Jane Aldridge, the 17 year old blogger from Dallas, Texas. She is adorned with designer clothing and shoes. When your blog is called Sea of Shoes, what do you expect? I made my decision really quickly when I tried on a 3 inch high platform on a 5 inch heel. I was as tall as Alex when I stood up. It was all black leather and it had a sexy tassles as the T strap of the heel. The shoes were exquisite and they look great in skinny jeans.

A life adventure - Slumdog Millionaire

I feel compelled to share my friend's adventure in India. She's a nurse by profession, German born, we met at a Contiki tour in New Zealand. She and another nurse from Finland were working in Sydney and were in South Island for a visit. We got along really well together and kept in touch after all these years - must be more than 7-8 years.

Her name is Anne Mueller, dark black hair, fair complexion and large frame build, elegant face. She went through some tough times some time ago, I never really found out what really happened but she got better. Recently she decided to leave for India to help out at a local hospital in Chennai. She told me she is going to India for some soul searching. I pray that she will find what she is looking for. She's been sending me updates of her daily life - really amazing stories. She's living her Slumdog Millionaire story. Here it is:

hi everyone
so im in india.after 13 hours of travelling i finally arrived in chennai.a guy named bala from the company im working for met me at the aiport.we get in to his car and the first thing he tells me is not to wear a seatbelt.the traffic was really scary.2 lanes for busses ,trucks,car mopeds ,bicycles,cows and pedestrian.no rules,no trafficlights.just honk and hope for the best.to get your drivers licence in india you have to be able to drive in a straight line for 100 meters.and probably know how to honk.somehow it all works.i stayed at a nice hotel that night.real toilet and shower,just no water to use it.also the hotel was under construction.they dont work here during the day and im kept awake till after midnight by drilling and hammering.the next morning bala picked me up to catch a train to sivakasi.460 km will take about 10 hours.but he told me not to worry cause we be in a sleeper compartment.great,sleeper turns out to be 3 wooden boards all on top of each other.the train has no doors and windows with no glass in it.so really its air con.its packed with indians and they all look at you.the train goes trough chennai.the city is huge and one big rubbish tip.everyone throws any rubbish anywhere they please ,its dirty and hot and smoggy and there is cows and pigs just walking about.bala and i talked for a while and the first question almost everyone asked is how old are you and are you married.they almost start crying when you say no and when they find out how old you are and have no children ,their faces just look so sad and they start to feel really sorry for you.its better to say you are married.it makes them much happier.if you are divorced its even worse.
then it was time to use the toilet on the train.ok one big hole in the bottom of the train.hold on to anything and aim.good luck....
we got to the office in sivakasi in the evening and i got to meet some other volunteers.but they are all going other places.i wake up the next day at 5.30 from the sound of honking and people retching up their morning spit.indian burp ,spit ,fart anywhere they damn well please.
on sunday we ,thats 11 people got in to 1 car to drive 2 hours to a new hospital that was being opened on that day.the drive was fun.we listened to indian music and i actually prayed to survive the ride.but i figured that with 11 people in the car it would be enough of an airbag.at the opening we sit with only men and for the first time they dont stare at us girls but at theo who is from belgium,has red hair,freckles and is very pale and he is gay.so all of the sudden our boops dont seem interesting anymore.the hospital is going to have one doctor and one nurse for 10.000 people.
after lunch we drive to my village.on the way i get to see one of many indian men who just squat on the side of the road,pants down doing their buisness.yes they do shit right smack bang on the road.you walk pass them and nod a friendly hello and get a big smile back.
my village is near a bigger town.its very very poor and dirty.but everyone is really friendly.there is one other volunteer here.karin,she is 37 and from france and she is very nice.she is divorced but she hasnt told anyone......
our room is ok.2 beds and a table,windows with no glass,and a light and a fan and lots of spiders.the matress on the bed is really thin and made of hay.so you might as well sleep on the floor.food is good.curry ,curry and more curry.no bowel disturbance yet.
we have a toilet,but have to get our own toilet paper and it doesnt flush and we have a bucket of water for a shower.its all fun and im really enjoying it.i havent started work yet.its all very slow and nobody really seems to know what to do with us.hardly anyone speaks indian.apart from whats your name,age ,children,marriage.
i brought way to many clothes.we are not allowed to wear our western style clothes,so i had to get some indian clothes.
thanks.
hope you are all good.
love to hear from you
love anne

Earth tremor in Melbourne?

I was lying in bed when I felt the vibration just around my pillow. It felt like one of those old mobile phone on its vibrating mode. I was drowsy from my headache, I didnt pay too much attention. But it got stronger and suddenly, I kid you not, the bed started to move. And we have a King bed with a huge headboard, it still shook. Within seconds I heard the roof tiles above me started shaking - the furniture and the roof seemed to be moving in a separate directions albeit small back and forth movements.

The first thing that came to my mind was earthquake, NO!!! we are not in the seismic zone. Is it a hail storm as it had been raining intermittently for the first time since last year in the past 2 days. I called out to my husband who was watching TV in the living area. He too felt it. But Koe, our miniature schnauzer was comfortably lying on the couch like nothing had happened - typical lazy mutt.

We found out later on the news it was an earth tremor measuring 4.7 on the richter scale. The epicentre was about 90kms away from Melbourne in the south, which is about 60km away from us in the place called Korumburra. After the news report, we look at each other and said "How cool!!" to have felt this experience.

I couldnt help laughing afterwards when I remembered he thought it could be the pressure in the water pipes underneath the house.

A kick in the gut by life

That's how I am feeling at the moment. So tired trying to stay afloat with so many things happening at the same time. It doesnt help when I need to keep reworking the campaign at work. Just need the service providers to do their job properly so we can move on. We need to move on. There is just enough time for one task, one phone call, one meeting, one document and then on to the next thing. I need my life to work like a clockwork because I dont have the time to go back to rectify something broken.

Today I am going backwards launching a static image microsite for a campaign at work. What era are we in? What happens to the basic flash animation? What has gone so wrong that a microsite needs to be reworked 3x and it still isnt right. Have a look and judge for yourself. I have 380 outdoor advertisements around Sydney and Melbourne pointing to this microsite. It's a big kick in my face.

www.membersequitybank.com.au/save

Perhaps it is a lesson of patience, or a lesson of letting go control and accepting the present, dealing with one task at hand one at the time and not thinking ahead 2-3 steps ahead making it so tiring.

Amidst this storm, there is something to be happy about. I have just become an aunt again, my little sister had just given birth to a healthy baby boy named Jayden Teoh. Just reading both parents experiences helps to ease the feeling of hopelessness that I am feeling at the moment.

Have a read..
jaydenthy.blogspot.com/2009/03/fatherhood-pt-2.html

Starting the cycle

It's my Day 2 of the Synarel nasal spray, although the fluid taste revolting at the back of my throat, I am getting used to it. I used the nasal spray twice a day, about 12 hours apart alternating between left and right nostril. One press on the spray, remove the spray from the nostril and sniff so the spray mist gets absorbed into the thin blood capillaries on the lining of the nose. It's not that difficult. Just not easy getting rid of the taste - tried drinking water, soup, having toast & jam, only strong coffee works but I am trying to eliminate coffee altogether from my diet.

This evening, I started with the Follicle Stimulation Hormone on an injection pen. The brand I am using is Puregon. It's not a walk in the park. It's painful and I took a little time to get over the fear of injecting a long needle into my flesh. The pain increases as I push the fluid into my body. Thankfully mine is a boost cycle which means a short cycle, next Monday on Labour Day I will go in for my early ultrasound and blood test to see if the follicles are growing well. If they are growing well, I may need a few more injections and it's done.

I asked myself over and over again how I am feeling through this experience. Work has been so busy and absorbing, I hardly had time to think about it much. I tried to read every literature Monash IVF provided me, unfortunately it will always list the potential risks to indemnify themselves from uninformed consent. What they need to do is balance these literature with success stories, stories of couples who made it and what they went through to get there. My patient coordinator Sharon tells me Dr Lynn has a 45-50% conceive chance. I am trying to be optimistic but it doesnt mean much to me. There is still a chance I could be one of the two who wont conceive.

So I just concentrate on the facts which is my usual style, understanding the treatments I am getting, the processes they are recommending and the implication of using the treatment. We also found out we didnt really had a choice, we had to use Assisted Reproductive Technologies otherwise we will be childless, unless it's a miracle baby. I do think every child is a miracle baby these days.

Nesting

Life is a little overwhelming for us at the moment.
We have decided to embark on using in-vitro fertilization to get pregnant. Tomorrow I will meet with my nurse to get my 'hormones'.

Since our first appointment with Dr Lynn Burmeister, a fertility specialist, we have been moving fairly quick like clockwork. Immediately after the consultation, we both did a blood test at Melbourne Pathology and signed for Monash IVF membership. We tee-up the next few appointments for my laparoscopy and Alex's additional semen test. The following week I was admitted for day surgery to undergo laparoscopy. At least we found out why it was difficult for us to be pregnant, one of my fallopian tube is blocked. Dr Lynn didnt waste any time in recommending IVF as a solution.

In the course of 2 weeks, we learnt about what really happens when a couple goes through IVF and the different stages, the potential risks as well as epidemological studies comparing IVF babies with normal babies, IVF mothers with normal mothers. We attended counseling as required by law and had to sign a couple of consent forms to provide instructions on what we do with our remaining fertilized eggs if we are fortunate to have more than we need.

In the midst of it all, I am trying to keep healthy, taking lots of long walks on the beach to digest it all. Spending lots of time alone praying. I feel I am more determined to push myself harder in physical exercise, not sure why. I ran for a long time today, it's my first proper run since I had torn my anterior cruciate ligament on my left knee in August. I guess I must feel I needed to be strong for what's to come. I realized I am not coping entirely well either as I get pretty worked up over minor details on topics like our home building plans, timings for our overseas trip to gain first entry as permanent residents and making sure we enter into a building contract before end of June. Perhaps some Eckhart Tolle may help me through this period...