Absorbed and live in another world

I have read and attended enough workshops that tells me our belief systems are what shapes our thoughts and ultimately destiny. The mere fact that I believe that life has its ups and downs is already acknowledging and expecting the downs.

What if I believe that the downs are just opportunities to go even higher? Wouldnt it be then life is full of ups and uppers? Self talk is so powerful, many a times it had willed me down to the gutters. Like right now, especially when I am not feeling well, I tend to think offside. When I come out from an argument, I lost hope in the future I had been planning for. The tendency is to look for another future but I am only distracting myself so I dont face up to the problems at hand. Who says marriage isnt easy? That's what people say. But what if? marriage is supposed to be easy. It's just how I think about marriage which makes it hard.

Losing hope is so dangerous, it robs everything. The motivation to do just the most normal thing in daily life. The past few days, I just mopped around. I took leave to lick my wounds. Unfortunately the timing is bad. I have been called for an interview on Thursday with a major bank. It's where I want to be ultimately. So I have to be prepared, but I feel I am about to climb Mount Everest, swim the Atlantic Ocean and live in the Amazons. I hate the place I put myself in now.

I know how it works - self talk. But why is it not working? I am looking at the other side of the fence and witnessing the greens, the beauty of the world. I could see the enormous energy in me enough to take on super strength tasks and challenges. Life looks so sweet. But I am stucked on the other side, what's stopping me to move over? Do I think one person in my life can fulfil my life? That must be the most foolish limiting belief that anyone can have. Then how do I get absorbed and live in another world that will always empower me? The one world anything that life throws at me, it just passes right through me as if I am only thin air.

Heaven knows

I took a month of hiatus from blogging. As mentioned in my last post, I was seeking for clarity. Little did I know, I was only at the beginning of what is to come.

It is difficult for me to describe what I was going through. I was one of those who showed up at work everyday, put on a brave face and stuck to it but inside of me, I was shaking, crumbling and shattering into tiny bits in no hope of coming back together ever again. I was in despair and full of sadness, I had led myself to believe that I had come to an end of time when I could become a mother. It was made worse when I could not voice out what I was going through with my husband. Subsequently driving me to want to throw in the towel and just give up. Nightmares were common and I could not sleep well. I was in total chaos.

I can only talk about it now because I am finally picking myself up and seeing the light of day. Lethargy of the body is the start of the mind's downfall. Little things began to irritate and there is no energy left to be creative and deal with life ups and downs.

Slowly my energy returned and so is my interest in everything else. Rest, healthy food and supplements and exercise helped. Talking about it helped. Reading helped. I believe the universe conspired to help me get back up. I am reminded of hanging on in the harshest environment whenever I see my capsicums growing through 50C summer day during the Black Saturday fire and now winter cold. Now I believe we are all equipped to face and walk through any tragedies by believing that everything that God does, He do for you. Digging in the past or poking at the future and not resting in this moment is a problem. God is presence because He is here, right now. The resting place of the mind is the heart. The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. And God is within.

Surprisingly the wisdom came from a book that my sister gave me in January when I was home. I did not read the book until last month just in the nick of time to bring me back on track. Perhaps if I had read the book earlier, I would not have to go through what I had. Who knows?

Grant me a moment of clarity

I have been obsessive with the fertility business since I started my IVF treatment in February. When the first cycle failed, I was determined to do whatever I can to increase the chances of the second cycle. When Dr Lynn said acupuncture helps, I went full on when I was back home in Malaysia. I visited a TCM doctor for acupuncture, cupping and massage on a daily basis. I spoke with everyone what I was going through and out of good intentions, everyone had their opinions on what, how, why, which, when. My head was full of ideas or were they really distractions??
When I came back, Melbourne weather experienced a cold snap. On last Wednesday, the morning temperature fell to a low 3 degrees Celsius in autumn, the Bureau of Meterology claimed it was the coolest April morning in 56 years. My body did not take it well. I wasnt exactly sick but it wasnt right. I wanted to change my diet, I wanted to find a reliable TCM doctor and at the same time, I was on my second IVF cycle of injections. My actions, to say the least, were frantic and I found myself going in circles. My other half was so concerned that he wanted me to stop the injections. I almost went out of mind. Whether what was to happen next is my own doing or some other cause, my body did not respond to the injections.

Last Friday on the fourth day of my FSH (Gonal brand) injections, my ultrasound showed I had only one big follicle and my doctor told me I had to abandon the cycle as more follicles/ eggs are expected to continue with the treatment. No egg collection, no embryo, no transfer, no pregnancy, no child. I wasnt dissapointed, I was very tired. Tired of what I made my body to do. Vigorous trials of this and that to make me fertile or pregnant. Eager turned obsessive cant be good. It's time to return to basics. Return to clarity. Tonight this is my prayer:

My inner light guides me through the pathway of my life,
Whole and at one;
I raise my eyes to see all and understand,
Where and how;
To place each foot forward.

A prayer that a naturopath student taught at the Australian College of Natural Medicine.
Photo taken from the Cream Trip on the Bay of Islands, NZ.

The greatest risk in life is to risk nothing

Two months ago, I posted my outing experience in Warburton. It's my favourite little town in Victoria and Warburton was also threatened recently by the bushfires. Today I am so pleasantly surprised when I received a newsletter from the Finnish lady who own one of the shops in Warburton, her husband is now the mayor of the town.

In the newsletter she talks about her experience during the bushfires and how nature has helped her to regain hope. That's exactly how I feel whenever I feel beaten by life, it's the nature that refuels and helps me believe again. The same nature that rejuvenates and destroys with the same hand. But there is no other way to embrace life.


“To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk disappointment.
But risks must be taken because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, sees nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
He cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live.”
Author Unknown

A life adventure - Slumdog Millionaire

I feel compelled to share my friend's adventure in India. She's a nurse by profession, German born, we met at a Contiki tour in New Zealand. She and another nurse from Finland were working in Sydney and were in South Island for a visit. We got along really well together and kept in touch after all these years - must be more than 7-8 years.

Her name is Anne Mueller, dark black hair, fair complexion and large frame build, elegant face. She went through some tough times some time ago, I never really found out what really happened but she got better. Recently she decided to leave for India to help out at a local hospital in Chennai. She told me she is going to India for some soul searching. I pray that she will find what she is looking for. She's been sending me updates of her daily life - really amazing stories. She's living her Slumdog Millionaire story. Here it is:

hi everyone
so im in india.after 13 hours of travelling i finally arrived in chennai.a guy named bala from the company im working for met me at the aiport.we get in to his car and the first thing he tells me is not to wear a seatbelt.the traffic was really scary.2 lanes for busses ,trucks,car mopeds ,bicycles,cows and pedestrian.no rules,no trafficlights.just honk and hope for the best.to get your drivers licence in india you have to be able to drive in a straight line for 100 meters.and probably know how to honk.somehow it all works.i stayed at a nice hotel that night.real toilet and shower,just no water to use it.also the hotel was under construction.they dont work here during the day and im kept awake till after midnight by drilling and hammering.the next morning bala picked me up to catch a train to sivakasi.460 km will take about 10 hours.but he told me not to worry cause we be in a sleeper compartment.great,sleeper turns out to be 3 wooden boards all on top of each other.the train has no doors and windows with no glass in it.so really its air con.its packed with indians and they all look at you.the train goes trough chennai.the city is huge and one big rubbish tip.everyone throws any rubbish anywhere they please ,its dirty and hot and smoggy and there is cows and pigs just walking about.bala and i talked for a while and the first question almost everyone asked is how old are you and are you married.they almost start crying when you say no and when they find out how old you are and have no children ,their faces just look so sad and they start to feel really sorry for you.its better to say you are married.it makes them much happier.if you are divorced its even worse.
then it was time to use the toilet on the train.ok one big hole in the bottom of the train.hold on to anything and aim.good luck....
we got to the office in sivakasi in the evening and i got to meet some other volunteers.but they are all going other places.i wake up the next day at 5.30 from the sound of honking and people retching up their morning spit.indian burp ,spit ,fart anywhere they damn well please.
on sunday we ,thats 11 people got in to 1 car to drive 2 hours to a new hospital that was being opened on that day.the drive was fun.we listened to indian music and i actually prayed to survive the ride.but i figured that with 11 people in the car it would be enough of an airbag.at the opening we sit with only men and for the first time they dont stare at us girls but at theo who is from belgium,has red hair,freckles and is very pale and he is gay.so all of the sudden our boops dont seem interesting anymore.the hospital is going to have one doctor and one nurse for 10.000 people.
after lunch we drive to my village.on the way i get to see one of many indian men who just squat on the side of the road,pants down doing their buisness.yes they do shit right smack bang on the road.you walk pass them and nod a friendly hello and get a big smile back.
my village is near a bigger town.its very very poor and dirty.but everyone is really friendly.there is one other volunteer here.karin,she is 37 and from france and she is very nice.she is divorced but she hasnt told anyone......
our room is ok.2 beds and a table,windows with no glass,and a light and a fan and lots of spiders.the matress on the bed is really thin and made of hay.so you might as well sleep on the floor.food is good.curry ,curry and more curry.no bowel disturbance yet.
we have a toilet,but have to get our own toilet paper and it doesnt flush and we have a bucket of water for a shower.its all fun and im really enjoying it.i havent started work yet.its all very slow and nobody really seems to know what to do with us.hardly anyone speaks indian.apart from whats your name,age ,children,marriage.
i brought way to many clothes.we are not allowed to wear our western style clothes,so i had to get some indian clothes.
thanks.
hope you are all good.
love to hear from you
love anne

A kick in the gut by life

That's how I am feeling at the moment. So tired trying to stay afloat with so many things happening at the same time. It doesnt help when I need to keep reworking the campaign at work. Just need the service providers to do their job properly so we can move on. We need to move on. There is just enough time for one task, one phone call, one meeting, one document and then on to the next thing. I need my life to work like a clockwork because I dont have the time to go back to rectify something broken.

Today I am going backwards launching a static image microsite for a campaign at work. What era are we in? What happens to the basic flash animation? What has gone so wrong that a microsite needs to be reworked 3x and it still isnt right. Have a look and judge for yourself. I have 380 outdoor advertisements around Sydney and Melbourne pointing to this microsite. It's a big kick in my face.

www.membersequitybank.com.au/save

Perhaps it is a lesson of patience, or a lesson of letting go control and accepting the present, dealing with one task at hand one at the time and not thinking ahead 2-3 steps ahead making it so tiring.

Amidst this storm, there is something to be happy about. I have just become an aunt again, my little sister had just given birth to a healthy baby boy named Jayden Teoh. Just reading both parents experiences helps to ease the feeling of hopelessness that I am feeling at the moment.

Have a read..
jaydenthy.blogspot.com/2009/03/fatherhood-pt-2.html

Don’t play the victim card. Your results are your own. Find a way to make it happen.

Now more than ever, I need to call upon everything in me. The tenacity, the grit, the audacity and the sticktoitiveness to succeed.
A couple of challenges lie ahead of me.

At work, I am trying to launch a new campaign that would use some amazing marketing tools to reach both existing and new customers, using robust technology. This way I would continue to have fun in my job.

In my personal life, I will be placing my hopes on the team of IVF specialists and in God's hands. The next couple of months to tell if we will become parents. Yesterday is the first step into the journey with laparoscopy, next will be my partner's examination and then we will be on our way for hormonal treatments. The IVF treatment carries a 40% success rate which is great compared to natural methods of 25% in any given month.

At the same time yesterday, we received really good news from the Adelaide Skilled Processing Centre informing us the application is almost complete. We just need to depart from Australia for at least 10 working days so the full evidencing process will be completed at the Australian High Commission. So in the midst of extreme work schedules and IVF treatment, I have to leave the country.

In the meantime, we are finalising our building plans for our first home in Australia. We are in the midst of making minor changes to the plan and hopefully be able to compare quotes from 2 different builders. Cant wait to have my own painting & sewing room, walk in robe and a bathtub for my tired limbs.

So lots are happening, my destiny is my own to craft. I will take the bull by his horns and I will prod on to victory. I promise that myself!


For this post, I am drawing my inspiration from this lovely princess.

I first saw this fine art at The Customs House in Sydney. The exhibition is called The Regal Twelve, 12 princesses have been featured by artist Alexia Sinclair. But this princess Christina of Sweden captured my interest. Christina also known as Christina Alexandra ascended to the throne at the age of 7. She was brought like a prince, is a model student, mature for her age, has a bright intelligence and is the first royal to adopt Catholism (Swedish royal were Protestants). Often people in the court says "she is at all not like a female". She often discuss ideas with the philosopher Rene Decartes. She's known as the androgynous queen and is often used as a icon for lesbianism.

Why water the seeds of life? Here's why...

It is barely coming to the end of second month this year, we have already experienced some extremes ups and downs. As the world copes with one crisis after another, the world wins by installing the first US black president. He gave lots of people around the world what they had been waiting for...hope. As a nation grieves for the great loss in Australian's worst bush fires, we all win by uniting to help all those impacted. The entire country behaved like a small close-knitted community to raise over $77 million in less than a week, retail companies handed over the day's profits, corporate companies matching their staff's donation dollar for dollar, people like us forgo the interest we have earned over a year in our bank savings and even dug deeper to give to our neighbours who need it more than us. Although my personal issues surrounding fertility seemed to last forever, we will finally begin to understand better what the issues are next week when I take my laparoscopy. As I said in an article I wrote at work, even in tough times, there is a silver lining.

What strikes me is when I came across this story, the title of my blog brings it all home. Life is interlaced with joys and sadness, they are two sides of a coin. One cannot exist without the other, it is the existence of the other that we will feel the extent of joy in us, or the sadness in us. So go on to embrace the sadness in our lives because it only makes us appreciate our joyful moments a lot more. Water all the different kind of seeds in your life. Enjoy the following article..


By Mary Regina Morrell
Catholic Online

“Those who sow in tears will reap with cries of joy. Those who go forth weeping, carrying sacks of seed, will return with cries of joy, carrying their bundled sheaves.” Psalm 126

When I left the office yesterday, I hadn’t noticed how overcast the sky was. My head was cast down as I walked to my car. I didn’t even notice the car backing out of its parking spot as I started to step off the curb.

My co-worked rolled down her window and called my name, “Mary, you look so sad. I’ve never seen you look like that before.”

I could only smile to assure her I was fine and she drove off. Certainly, it was not the time or place to tell her I had just lost a friend – a childhood sweetheart.

He had taken his own life, and time since then had become a black hole of should haves, could haves, would haves.

In my mind, I was handling it fine, but my body wouldn’t be fooled so easily. Every cell had absorbed the loss and the pain and I was beginning to crumble. Nausea was my constant companion. Fatigue made my body ache for sleep.

How could I have missed the signs, I wondered in anguish. The words of his letters reeled in my head, a sharing of his life, pictures of his family, the prospects and disappointments of his police work., encouragement through my own depression, his closings: “Love ya, Kiddo!”

Why didn’t I read between the lines?

But in truth, the trouble with letters and email is you can never see the friend behind the words, their face, their eyes, their body language, even the sighs in their voice. They are hidden, and people contemplating suicide are consummate at the craft of hiding their intentions.

My own journey and education has taught me that suicide is almost always the result of a mental illness like depression, and I have learned enough about this agonizing behavior to know, intellectually, that even if I had made the trip to visit him as I had planned, I would not have been able to correct a lifetime of pain or loss or physical illness that had led him to this place.

But the intellect does not always rule the emotions, so I will continue to grieve and feel as though I could have been a better friend. But I will also turn, once again, to prayer so that my grief does not lie fallow or damage my spirit. One bout with depression is enough.

There is no better place to turn for prayer than to the Psalms. Here there seems to be a prayer for every emotion, joy or pain known to humankind. One prayer in particular has always strengthened me and helped me keep my heart turned toward the future. It is Psalm 126 that has those beautiful words, “Those who sow in tears will reap with cries of joy….”

This is a prayer, wrote author Douglas Twitchell, that helps us recall that, “Life here on this earth, amidst the anguish and struggle against evil, is not lived from joy to joy, or from pain to pain; it is a side by side journey of grief and joy, sorrow and laughter. A bitter-sweet road from birth to grave. But the promise of the psalmist keeps us from giving up.”

It is a prayer that also reminds us that we must continue to live while we grieve, we must continue to sow the seeds of life and hope and faith as we water them with our tears.

I pray that God will give me the strength to do what I know I should because my friend sowed many seeds of joy in my life while we shared it and I want to do no less for him in death.

_____________________

Mary Morrell is the author of Angels in High Top Sneakers from Loyola Press.

The present moment

Reverend Thich Nhat Hanh said:
Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now. Peace is all around us - in the world and in nature - and within us - in our bodies and our spirits. Once we learn this peace, we will be healed and transformed.

Although all I could think of our time at home with our families and old friends who know us from eons, I'm learning to enjoy the present moment. To focus on what I'm feeling and thinking- the anticipation, making a list of what to pack, people I will meet, stories that I want to tell them, finding presents for my family & thus thinking about their likes and fancies. The leading up to a holiday is just as wonderful.

We have arrived

We have to live in a way that liberates the ancestors and future generations who are inside of us. Joy, peace, freedom and harmony are not individual matters. If we do not liberate our ancestors, we will be in bondage all our lives and we will transmit that to our children and grandchildren. Now is the time to do it. To liberate them means to liberate ourselves.

This is the teaching of interbeing.
"A wise advice for us all by Thich Nhat Hanh"

Catholic traditions

As a baby catholic (I was baptised 8 years ago), I am still learning its traditions. What I know is all attributed to Mary my best friend. She introduced me to her family, the teachings and prayers, the churches, the clergy (priests, nuns, monks etc.), feast / obligation days. We attended midnight mass together, walked the stations of the cross and drove from church to church on Good Friday, trying to stay up so we could accompany our Lord Jesus as he endured his suffering on the day before his crucifixion.

One of the traditions is waiting at the manger on christmas eve, to wait for the arrival of baby Jesus. There would a creche or a nativity scene in most local churches in Malaysia and it is usually next to the altar, all lit up, and carries the pride of the church. Sometimes there is a pageant on christmas eve and the church will be filled with people with more standing on the aisle or outside the church watching everything that is happening inside the church on a projector.

We have been on a quest ourselves to find our perfect nativity scene that would evoke the same feeling of awe, reverence, peace, love and gratitude. Today at the Christmas Shop in Marysville, we saw some...but we will wait till we moved into our own home and the nativity scene would be the symbol that we have finally come home, bringing home our baby Jesus.

Some interesting things to note about the creche...did you know the manger should be empty until christmas day. Only on the next day, the shepherds will arrive. But the wise men would only show up in January, by that time shepherds would have return to their duties, so shepherds and wise men/kings are never seen together. Creche would stay up until February 2, which is the feast day of the Presentation Of the Lord.

The tradition of creche only came about during the time of St Francis of Assisi, that's why there is an ox and a donkey. He wanted to allude to Isaiah 1:3 which states "The ox knows its owner, and the ass its master's crib; but Israel does not know, my people does not understand."

Reconciliation lesson from work

Today I spent more than half a day at the office reconciling invoices. There seemed to be more invoices than the actual services received, there were different amounts that dont tally to the media plans, some were cancelling out each other. What's going on?
My first reaction to my boss was "let's just get them to tell us what's going on, we just dont have the time to match up the numbers!". Obviously taking the high road approach of clients have every right to demand for anything since we are the ones who are paying.

In the end, without really thinking too much into it, I focussed all my energy to wade through the details almost as if I was unraveling some deep mystery. I love numbers and analysing & solving complex work problems. I managed to reconcile the invoices after some time and it really made me feel good. It took me a long time to find this balance at work. This is one of the many triumphs I had after moving to Melbourne.

How I can apply this sort of "love my work" attitude to my personal life? Too many times, I gave up on trying to understand my husband or even analyse to solve complex home life problems. Silently I gave up and wallow in despair. It's just seemed easier to deal with the situation when I adopt indifference. That's why the first thing that I would do after an argument is go to bed and tried to avoid the problem by sleeping into unconsciousness. Perhaps as I would in work, I should just dive into the problem without thinking too much of what it would cost me. Study the details of the situation, conversation, argument, emotions, gestures to understand what they really mean. In the background, always knowing in confidence that I would find the answer instead of passing up the problem which usually is my very first reaction.

"Hello Mom, I know you are there"

Yesterday I experienced what I didnt had to go through since I left Singapore for Australia. I spent the entire week at work preparing for the newspaper ads to be published this Saturday. I am not a fan of last minute work so I had briefed the design and the copy early so I would have ample time to submit the materials by 5pm Thursday (yesterday). As it happened, you can plan all you want but if others have a different idea with timeliness, you are just stuck in their timezone when you rely on their work to get things done.

So Design took their time to produce the first piece of work late on Wednesday. Before we could get back with feedback for more changes they were off home. The next morning they went for an early breakfast party ignoring the urgent work pending on their desk. By this time, I was fuming inside, my body starting from my shoulders was so worked up, I had a terrible headache and the feeling that I had abandoned so long ago came back overwhelming me. The feeling of rushing, of wanting everything to be done quickly. If I dont have things done my speed, I throw up a fit. I then realised I do that even at home. If I dont pack enough activities for the weekend, I feel unaccomplished. If I relaxed too much and found that the laundry or cleaning is not done by Sunday afternoon, I get upset.

It was after reading a book written by a buddhist monk that I realised, I recognised this habit energy and it had been transmitted to me by my mother. My mom is always rushing, wanting everything to be done quickly, quickly, quickly. "Hello Mom, I know you are there". As the book advised, I embraced this energy of rushing. Recognising and taking care of the feeling as I would take care of a baby. Slowly I watched it go away, giving way to relaxation, peace, fun, appreciation. I noticed my senses heightened a bit more - the buildings, the trees, the train journey and the people so much more alive and beautiful. I think for this short while, I was liberated and the rush feeling no longer dominate me.

Starting point

I am starting this blog because I felt a strong need within me to document my diaries online - I don't know how will I react if my friends discover the good, bad the ugly parts of me. It's the asian genes in me to only display the good parts of my life to others and work on the bad parts in private. Not that I have lots of skeletons in the closet but life just throws you all sorts of situations. It's about how I ride through them and how I deal or not deal with them.

So this is for everyone, this is for me.