MJ tried to explain

But people wont listen. During the 60 minutes interview that took place right after the child molestation allegation, he claimed he wrote the song "Childhood" about himself.




Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...
People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood...

Free from the shackles of Neverland but returning to the real Never Never Land

Life is full of paradoxes. It was only in my last post that I was hoping to live in a different world, one that looks more within rather than what's outside.

Michael Jackson, the King of Pop - the only artist other than the group Duran Duran that I really admire and grew up with passed away at 2.26pm Thursday 25 June (it was 7am when we found out in Australia). He was 50 years old. For most 50 year olds, they would be thinking about pre-retirement. But MJ did not even grow up. He was naive in his thinking and that's exactly how he wanted to live his life including how he treated others, by being childlike, just as he claimed Jesus wants us all to be. He wasnt conforming to the rest of the society in every way - in music, his dance moves, his fashion, the way he treated children, the way he lived, the choices he made with his appearance. He was loved for his music but he was shunned for everything else. With the resources he acquired through his music, he created Neverland, funded selected children's education, well-being, entertainment and lived in a bubble of his own values. As time passes on, he becomes more and more detached from the rest of the world we live in. Most people today would debate that Neverland, MJ's Disneyland and zoo was more of a prison than a refuge.

He remains one of the greatest musical legend, if not the greatest of our lifetime. Ask anyone which of his songs is their no.1 favourite, it would be a difficult task.
I cant really decide between You Are Not Alone, The Girl Is Mine, Black or White, Man In The Mirror, Human Nature and The Way You Make Me Feel. Learning the dance moves along with my sisters from his music videos filled a lot of our afternoons after school with pure amusement. I would cut my pants just above my ankles on purpose just so I can show more of my socks. I would have worn one glove if we had winter in KL.

Well, MJ, you are a legend and tonight you return to Never Never Land where you always belong.

WENDY: Peter where do you live?

PETER PAN: It's a secret place.

WENDY: Please, tell me!

PETER PAN: Would you believe me if I told you?

WENDY: I promise.

PETER PAN: For sure.

WENDY: For sure!

PETER PAN: I have a place where dreams are born,
And time is never planned.
It's not on any chart,
You must find it with your heart.
Never Never Land.

It might be miles beyond the moon,
Or right there where you stand.
Just keep an open mind,
And then suddenly you'll find
Never Never Land.

You'll have a treasure if you stay there,
More precious far than gold.
For once you have found your way there,
You can never, never grow old.

And that's my home where dreams are born,
And time is never planned.
Just think of lovely things.
And your heart will fly on wings,
Forever in Never Never Land.

Absorbed and live in another world

I have read and attended enough workshops that tells me our belief systems are what shapes our thoughts and ultimately destiny. The mere fact that I believe that life has its ups and downs is already acknowledging and expecting the downs.

What if I believe that the downs are just opportunities to go even higher? Wouldnt it be then life is full of ups and uppers? Self talk is so powerful, many a times it had willed me down to the gutters. Like right now, especially when I am not feeling well, I tend to think offside. When I come out from an argument, I lost hope in the future I had been planning for. The tendency is to look for another future but I am only distracting myself so I dont face up to the problems at hand. Who says marriage isnt easy? That's what people say. But what if? marriage is supposed to be easy. It's just how I think about marriage which makes it hard.

Losing hope is so dangerous, it robs everything. The motivation to do just the most normal thing in daily life. The past few days, I just mopped around. I took leave to lick my wounds. Unfortunately the timing is bad. I have been called for an interview on Thursday with a major bank. It's where I want to be ultimately. So I have to be prepared, but I feel I am about to climb Mount Everest, swim the Atlantic Ocean and live in the Amazons. I hate the place I put myself in now.

I know how it works - self talk. But why is it not working? I am looking at the other side of the fence and witnessing the greens, the beauty of the world. I could see the enormous energy in me enough to take on super strength tasks and challenges. Life looks so sweet. But I am stucked on the other side, what's stopping me to move over? Do I think one person in my life can fulfil my life? That must be the most foolish limiting belief that anyone can have. Then how do I get absorbed and live in another world that will always empower me? The one world anything that life throws at me, it just passes right through me as if I am only thin air.

Quirky Brunswick

It was the long weekend of Queen's Birthday on 8 June, we took another day off so we could have a super long weekend to do what we love most. Today we wandered into Brunswick, one of the many varied suburbs near Melbourne. The main road is Sydney Road which stretches for miles.

So we took a slow stroll in this beautiful Melbourne weather - wet, cold, windy, freezing, occasionally the sun comes up to say a shy hi and goes back into hiding really quite quickly. The temperature gauge in our car showed 9C but when it is windy, the windchill makes it feel like 2C less.

Sydney Road is full of surprises, the world cultures seemed all lined up in one street. Greek bakeries, Italian restaurants & supermarkets, Turkish homewares, lebanese cafes & clothing stores, Vietnamese/South East Asian restaurants, Vietnamese fabric stores, Japanese restaurants are home on this street. In between, there are a couple of bars with live music, the Brunswick Music Festival is held every March. This is a good place for unusual fashion stores unlike your typical Bridge Road or Chapel Street.

Love the clothes in Friends of Couture (www.friendsofcouture.com.au), the brand carries clothes that has an alternative style but wearable and reasonably priced. Across the road, probably by the same owner, is Episode which sells second hand clothing, mainly vintage. I found some milk maid type of clothes, really odd. But what's interesting is the clothes from Friends of Couture were also found here at discount prices because they are either losing a button or running thread that makes the value goes down by half.

There is one other store which I aspire to buy all my clothes from is Digging for Apples (www.diggingforapples.com) up the road towards Moreland precinct. High fashion with an edge, the buyer of this store has done all the selections for me (ahem!). Designer pieces from Nudie Jeans, Sass & Bide, Romance was Born, Claude Maus, Zambesi and Karen Walker were on for 20-40%. But the tags were between $230 - $1080. All I could do is take their card and walked out. Maybe one day I will save enough.

Food was great at Kaleidoscope where we had lunch, their influence was Mediterranean, I had lentil soup and Alex had risotto. We had to go to Choukette, a french pattiserie because that's how I discovered Brunswick. But the cakes were dissapointing, not as tasty as I thought it would be. We rested our tired feet at Bar Etiquette - weird bar with just 4 customers including us the whole time we were there. So we had a nice chat with Mike, the bartender and gather some advice on where to have our dinner. The bar was set in a two storey house, the rooms upstairs all had a different theme but all dark and filled with lounge chairs. Music was good but the art on the wall by Leigh Watson is better.

Heaven knows

I took a month of hiatus from blogging. As mentioned in my last post, I was seeking for clarity. Little did I know, I was only at the beginning of what is to come.

It is difficult for me to describe what I was going through. I was one of those who showed up at work everyday, put on a brave face and stuck to it but inside of me, I was shaking, crumbling and shattering into tiny bits in no hope of coming back together ever again. I was in despair and full of sadness, I had led myself to believe that I had come to an end of time when I could become a mother. It was made worse when I could not voice out what I was going through with my husband. Subsequently driving me to want to throw in the towel and just give up. Nightmares were common and I could not sleep well. I was in total chaos.

I can only talk about it now because I am finally picking myself up and seeing the light of day. Lethargy of the body is the start of the mind's downfall. Little things began to irritate and there is no energy left to be creative and deal with life ups and downs.

Slowly my energy returned and so is my interest in everything else. Rest, healthy food and supplements and exercise helped. Talking about it helped. Reading helped. I believe the universe conspired to help me get back up. I am reminded of hanging on in the harshest environment whenever I see my capsicums growing through 50C summer day during the Black Saturday fire and now winter cold. Now I believe we are all equipped to face and walk through any tragedies by believing that everything that God does, He do for you. Digging in the past or poking at the future and not resting in this moment is a problem. God is presence because He is here, right now. The resting place of the mind is the heart. The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. And God is within.

Surprisingly the wisdom came from a book that my sister gave me in January when I was home. I did not read the book until last month just in the nick of time to bring me back on track. Perhaps if I had read the book earlier, I would not have to go through what I had. Who knows?